Episode 14: The Star Hill (Ruby and Friends)

Moment of Anthony and Ruby ITWY 41 ITWY 39 ITWY 27 ITWY 3 ITWY 1

Part 1: Missing him… (Ruby)

It’s been almost a year but it seems that only yesterday I can still able to hear Anthony’s voice whispering to my ears. I miss him so much. I know that everybody has done everything they can to help me stand on my feet again. Even my parents come to visit me very often to check on my condition. It’s not that I don’t want to do as they asked to refresh myself by going out from the house. I am even afraid to go out from this room knowing that Anthony is no longer here with me.

I have been having the same dream over and over again. It’s the dream about our childhood when we were playing on the star hill. I haven’t visited the place since Anthony is gone. I know that we made a promise to each other to go there after we are married but without him, the place wouldn’t be the same. But, a promise is a promise. I have to find some other way to go there alone.

Star Hill two little kids kissing

I know that either Kev or Rudy or Chris wouldn’t let me to be alone for even a minute. I need to think about how to go there alone. Suddenly, my phone rings and I look at the screen right away. It is written with only one word, CALL which means it’s a call from overseas. I pick up the phone and wonder whether it is from June.


“Hallo Ruby.. This is Lily.”

Ruby calling from bedroom

I wonder why Lily suddenly gives me a call.

“Yes Lily, how are you?”

“I am fine. Rub, do you know why Kev cannot come back to Sydney until now? He has been gone for almost a year. He even quitted his job. He said that he was doing Christian a favor but I had no idea what would take him to leave Sydney this long.”

I cannot open my mouth to speak another word at the moment. I just realize that Kev has been hiding Lily from the truth all this time. Suddenly, I have a good plan to escape from this place. I can end everything once and for all. I don’t want to burden any of my loved one anymore. I don’t want to continue living my life like this.

“Lil, can you come to Indonesia as soon as possible? I will ask Kev to pick you up at the airport. He is fine. He has been staying with me. You can also come to stay at my place for a while. My husband just died and Kev has been helping Christian to take care of me.”

“Ow.. I am sorry to hear that. I wish that Kev could let me know the truth. I can even come and helping him take care of you. Are you ok now? I will leave tonight at get there first thing in the morning. I will text you the information later on once it’s confirmed.”

“Ok Lil. Thank you. See you in Jakarta.”

“See you!”

I know that I will disappoint everybody should I choose to end my life. They have been guarding me closely for a year but please forgive me that I still want choose the same ending. I decide to call Rudy and ask him to come after work to see me. I want to say few farewell words to Rudy who has loved me for the past few years. After a few hours, there is finally someone knocking on the front door. It turns out that both Christian and Rudy are here at the same time.

“Where is Kev?” I ask them directly

“He’s gone to buy some groceries with you maid. Is there anything that you need?”

I smile at both of them and say “No. I just want to speak to both of you separately.”

I ask Rudy to accompany me walking around the block.

“Rud, how’s your mom lately?” I begin to start asking him. I haven’t talked to him in a long time.

“Mom is ok. She keeps asking about your condition. I told her that you have been locked yourself for a year. She is very sad. She asked me to take care of you.”

“Please send my gratitude to your mom. Rud, have you been in contact with Anna lately? How’s her condition right now?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her since I ended things with her.” says Rudy.

“Rud, you saw me living like this today and I can see that you are worried about me so much. Anna may also live the same life as mine. I can see that she loves you very much. You better see how she is doing at the moment. Being separated with a loved one is like living in hell. Believe me.”

“Cing, stop it! I know what you are trying to do!”

I am looking at Rudy and wonder how he finds out about my plan.

“You are trying to reject me. You want me to go away from you. I am sorry, I can’t do that. I had lost you twice due to my stupid decisions. I won’t do the same mistake for the third time. I won’t give up unless you have decided on somebody else to spend the rest of your life with him.”

I am holding his hand and continue to go walking around the block.

“Rud, sometimes I am thinking hard about the reason why I am so lucky to have an extraordinary man like you to love me just the way I am. You even loved me when I was fat and ugly. You see me better than anyone else. You saw me when I was invisible. I haven’t said this properly but there is two words which I have been wanting to say in front of you since forever.”

Rudy 6 Rudy 3

I am turning my body and I begin to hug him. I whisper

“Thank you. Thank you for loving me this much. You made my life so happy when I was with you.”

We keep hugging each other for a while. He whispers back at me

“Cing, I am glad that you are improving. It’s been a long time since I heard you talking to me. I hope that you can start living a new life now knowing that I will always be there with you.”

We walk again for a while and then I request Rudy to go home earlier tonight

“Rud, can you please give me some privacy with Chris? We had a big fight ages ago and we haven’t got a chance to sort things out together.”

Rudy smiles at me and says “Sure!”

We are walking back to the house and I see that Chris is sitting in front of the main door. Rudy is going to his car and drive. He is weaving his hand at me. At the time, I really want to cry. It may be the last time for me to see him. Rud, I am really sorry that I have to leave you.

I won’t let you suffer because of me anymore. I know that I am leaving you for the best. I sincerely hope that you can get your happiness. Take care….

I am turning my head to Chris and say

“Chris, are you hungry? Let me cook for you!”

Chris seems really happy because I am willing to cook or even speak to him. I open the fridge and see that they are some frozen sausages and some eggs. I open the upper cupboard and also see some instant noodles inside. I decided to make him two kinds of sausages. One is his favorite, the grilled with spicy and tomato sauce. The other one is to fry it crispy with the instant noodle wrapping the sausages. As for the eggs, I will make him a scramble egg. While I am cooking his dinner, he says

“It seems like we went back to our time in Sydney. You used to cook for me, June and Kev every day. Now that I think of it, it was one of my happiest times.”


kevin 6

I look at him and serve him with the cooked meal. He is eating it right away as if he hasn’t got any meals for days.

“How is it? Do you like it?”

“I like it very much. It’s the same taste as I try to recall from before.”

He is finally finishing his meal and says thank you.

“Chris, there’s something I have been wanted to tell you. I want you to know that I have forgiven you for what happened earlier. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. I know that you lost your temper and regretted it right away. That’s why Prof. Wendy was able to stay with Anthony until the end. I owed you too much for that. She won’t even be here if it weren’t for you and your mother. Your company also helped to pay for my father’s hospitalization. I couldn’t thank you enough for that.”

Christian’s happy expression can only be described as a little girl who finally can get her beautiful Barbie house or a boy who finally gets his dream robot. He gives me a hug and says

“I have been waiting for you to say this. Thank you for forgiving me. I thought that you can never forgive me. I know what I did was way over the line. I called you a material girl, I even accused you to sleep with Kevin. I am really sorry. I am sorry that I slapped your face, had you lock in the bathroom for hours and many more. I am sorry for everything. I was crazy jealous with Kev and Anthony.”

I take his hand from my back to let go his hug so that he can look into my eyes while we are having our last conversation. I tell him

“Chris, It’s really fine! I never blame you for what you did to me specifically, not even once. I was only furious when you told Prof. Wendy to leave. That’s all.”

I know it would be too cruel if I am saying what I am going to say Chris. But, I need to him to get over me. He really deserves a better person. He deserves someone who loves him with all his heart.

“Chris, even we didn’t have that fight; we wouldn’t stay together for a long time. You deserve someone who can understand you, who can give you the unconditional love. I am not all that. Trust me; I am not the one. You should stop wasting your time on me and find somebody else.”

Chris looks at me and suddenly says

“Why are you saying all of these things suddenly? Is it because you had chose Rudy over me?”

I am looking at him and say

“No! You know that I only love Anthony now. I just want you to start living your life normally. Don’t live your life to revolve around me. I am really not worth it. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want you to put your hopes on me. We cannot press Ctrl Z to undo our life. We can’t go back to the time when we were still in love with each other.”

“If you want me to go, I will go. If you want me to stay, I will stay. If you want me to hide, then I will hide. I only want what’s best for you. But, please don’t ask me to lose hopes on you. We cannot undo our life but I am sure that I can make you to fall back in love with me all over again. I believe that time will heal everything. I know that you are still thinking about Anthony right now and I can understand. Please…. just let me stay by your side and take you out from this dark hole.”

We are looking at each other. I really don’t know how to make him give up on me. If he knew that I cannot go back to the way it was, would he take on a different course? I don’t know how to tell him that everything has changed since Anthony got the accident.

I can hear that Kev is opening the door and talking to my baby sitter. I am walking out from the dining room and see that he is bringing many groceries with him.

“Did you shop? I wonder what took you so long.” 

Kev smiles at me. He sees the dishes on the table and says

“Did you cook?

“Yes, I did.”

Kev looks very happy to see me. Chris, Kev and I chat for a while. Kev even insists to open a bottle of wine Anthony has preserved them inside the cupboard. Anthony likes to collect wine. I am not sure whether he will be happy if we are drinking his wine. Chris is making a toast to both Kev and I.

“I want to make a toast to all of us. I am glad that Ruby finally forgave me from being a jerk before. I am also glad that she just cooked for me. I hope that she can start to forget about her past and start a new happy future with both of us! Cheers!”

We raise our glass and make a toast to drink the wine. I am not used to drink alcohol. I can get drunk very easily with only drinking two glasses of wine. Kevin and Chris keep giving a toast to each other without a good reason to finish the bottle. They even open another two and ask me to join them to drink. Finally, Kev is calling Cindy to ask one of the company drivers to drive Chris home. He is really drunk. Out of the three of us, Kev is the most sober. I can’t even walk properly at the moment.

I am now already in my room waiting. I am double checking the letter which I wrote for Kev just after Lily rang me. I am planning to leave it on my bed after Kev is leaving tomorrow to pick up Lily. It’s a farewell letter to explain my decision to Kev. I am not writing any other letter to anyone else knowing that they will be just fine without me. It’s only Kev who makes me worry. Kev might lose his reasonable action if he knows that I am no longer in this world. I am glad that Lily called and planned to come to Indonesia tomorrow. At least, she will stay with Kev to take care of him.

I also have prepared a death will and put it inside the safety box. I am changing the pin from my birthday to Kevin’s birthday. I am leaving all my money and assets to Kev while Anthony’s money and all his assets to his mom. I hope that the two of them can live their life quite well. I know that Kev hasn’t got any income since he took care of me. At least, he can live up from my savings. He can also use the money to marry Lily. I am taking the letter and folding it into an envelope.

Deep down in my heart, I know that compare to Chris and Rudy, Kevin has been the one who has made the biggest sacrifice for me. He hasn’t gotten enough sleep for the past year. He helped my baby sitter to cook for me; he even slept on an uncomfortable thin single mattress inside my closet room. He has put his life on hold just to take care of me. I couldn’t thank him enough for that.

Right now, I can see that he is making his bed. I suddenly take his hand and ask him to sit on my bed with me. I want to say my good bye to him. I want to leave him a moment to remember me by.

“Kev, I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. Can you please next to me?”

He is nodding his head. He seems very curious why I am taking him to sleep together on my bed. I am losing my balance again because of the wine effect. He is carrying me to my bed now. I am asking him to lie down beside me and I finally dare to put my head to rest on his shoulder and put on the blanket to cover both of us. I am explaining so that he doesn’t look at this awkwardly.

“Don’t misunderstand me. I just want to talk about my personal things to you.”

He is smiling at me and says “Don’t worry. I know that you are not going to trick me into bed”

We are both laughing. I decide to tell him about Lily a little bit different. I don’t want him to know that she was the one who called me first. I am afraid that he will scold her later on.

“Kev, I called Lily yesterday and asked her to come to Indonesia. She has missed you very much. It’s also nice for me to have a girl to live around the house. I can take her to go shopping and so on. Can you please pick up tomorrow morning? I already sent you a text fills with her flight information.”

Kev is grabbing his phone and says

“Ok! I will pick her up tomorrow. Actually, I am glad you called her. There’s something that I need to talk to her as well. But, I cannot go to Sydney and leaving you alone for a while.”

I am looking at him and ask “What is it?”

He replies me dearly “It’s between me and her. You will find out later.”

He is caressing my hair. We continue to cuddle each other. He really made me difficult to leave him. He has been my only best friend recently and my most trusted person. He is always there with me when I am awake and always tuck me in when I am going to sleep. He never asks for more and also never asks for anything in return. The way he cares for me all this time really touches my heart.

“Kev, did you remember about our last conversation in Sydney? The one I told you that I never like any guy first before they made a move on me.”

“Yes. I remember every detail of it. I always think about that night all the time when you left me to go back to Indonesia. That’s why I am glad that Chris asked me to go to Jakarta because I finally have a reason to see you here. Why did you ask me about this now?”

“I actually didn’t tell you the whole truth. I once got my first crush with a boy when I was 17 years old. He didn’t make a move on me first but I have liked him. I just didn’t have a gut to confess it to anyone until tonight, not even to Anthony. My pride was too big.”

He is staring at me and asks

“Who is he? Do I know him?”

“I saw him the first time when he played keyboard at a church in Sydney. The morning service wasn’t even started yet. He is playing an instrumental waiting for everyone to arrive. He’s playing a song called “teach me your way”. He played the piano so beautiful. Even I can shade my tears. The music really moved me. From that moment, I always go to the church just to see him from a far distant.”

“What’s the name of the church?”

I am looking at Kevin and continue my story.

“The name of the church is Ecclesia. It’s located far away from my high school in Neutral Bay. However, I tried to go there every week just to see him playing the piano or guitar or even the drums. He is a very talented musician. One day, my Aunt introduced me to him. We have become friends ever since. He asked me to join the band but I could only reject him at a time. I rejected him because I cannot dare to play the piano in front of him. I was too shy because I had a huge crush on him.”

Kev looks at me deeply. I am sure that through my explanation, he knows clearly who the person was. He finally gives me a respond

“You are wrong. You didn’t see me first at the church. We met each other during a house prayer back at Aunt Susan’s house. You were playing piano but you didn’t notice me back then.”

We don’t say any more words for a long time. I know that he’s thinking about our past.

“Rub, if I didn’t hold my feelings back then, you probably wouldn’t choose Roy. Am I right?”

I am looking at his eyes and nodding my head. I continue to say

“Yes, you probably right. I don’t understand why we always meet each other at the wrong time and at the wrong place. When I fell for you, you didn’t feel for me. When you fell for me, I already have somebody else. When we have feelings for each other, both of us already have someone more important in our hearts. Tonight I want to let you know that you are the first guy I actually like first before you made a move on me. It’s very hard for me to say this. You have to cherish every moment!”

“Rub, why are you telling me this right now?”

“I don’t know. First is maybe because I am too drunk. Second is because you deserve to know my most embarrassing moment. I think after all the things you did for me; you really deserve to know my darkest secret. You deserve to tease me every time you want since you know about this now.”

We are both laughing at each other. After a while, I am feeling sleepy and begin to sleep on his arms knowing that tonight will be my last night on earth and I am choosing to spend it with Kev.

Part 2: I am falling for her trap (Kevin)

I can’t believe that I am lying down next to the girl I always love. She already fell asleep. I can hear that she is snoring softly. I don’t know why Lily suddenly decided to come to Jakarta but I think it’s a good time to let her know that I could never be at her side again. I never saw Ruby got drunk before. She was even more beautiful and made me more tempted to get closer with her. Ruby has taken all my feelings just for her with nothing left for me to care about anything else. I am looking at her and see again how beautiful she is in my eyes. I am glancing at her eyes, her nose and then her lip. I really want to kiss her. I am moving my head towards her to kiss her lip close and closer.

I am getting really close with her lip but I have to turn my head around because she is twisting her body to the other side. I am afraid that she would find out that I was trying to kiss her. I am sitting on the floor beside her bed and continue to look at her. I feel that my body is burning.

I don’t know if it’s because of the alcohol but I really want to give her a kiss tonight. I have been pushed back my love affection for her because of Chris and Lily. Now, I just can’t accommodate my feelings to take a step back anymore. After moving to get closer to her face slowly, I finally dare to kiss gently on her mouth. She has a very soft lip. I am moving my mouth to kiss her the same way as I kissed her for the first time when we had to put an act in front of Christian. I know that I might wake her up but I just couldn’t control myself to stop.

Suddenly, she opens her mouth and says

“Thon, I miss you. I miss you so much. Please don’t go.”

I know that she is dreaming about Anthony again. She must have thought that Anthony was the one who gave her a kiss before. I am looking at her with tears falling down my eyes. Why she couldn’t look at me for once and not thinking about another man. First, it was Roy, second was Chris and then now is Anthony. Even when I kissed her lip, she is still calling someone else’s name.

Suddenly, she is putting her hand around my neck and pulls my face against her face. We are only less than one centimeter from each other. She says

“I love you.. I love you..”

 I know that she is dreaming. She is dreaming about Anthony again. I am pulling my body away to make a distant from her. I don’t want to take advantage of her this way. I don’t want her to kiss me and think that I am somebody else. All of a sudden, she is pulling my neck and in only a second, she starts kissing my mouth.

kevin and ruby kiss 2

I don’t have the strength to reject her or even to wake her up. I don’t have the power to tell her that I am not the guy who she is kissing at the moment. I am so weak that I can only follow the way she kisses me. I am responding back to her kiss and begin to take charge. I really enjoy kissing her. I have been waiting for this since a very long time. After all these years, I am finally able to kiss the woman I truly love. We are rolling left and right on the bed. She starts groping around my body.

I know that I have to stop but I cannot tell myself to turn around and run. She is now on top of me, still closes her eyes to kiss me even more passionately. I begin to move my hands and start to grope her body from her brisket down to her thigh. She starts to moan proving that she is also enjoying this very much. I am twisting her body and now I am on top of her. I am opening my t-shirt and moving up and down to kiss her neck, her chest, her stomach and then going up again to kiss her soft lip. Both of us are moaning even louder. Hearing her moan makes my sexual desire to fervent. My hands are starting to unbutton her pajamas. Suddenly, she is starting to talk again in her sleep.

“Thon, I miss this. I love you. Please hold me and never leave me anymore…. Please….”

kevin bathroom

I suddenly stop kissing her and buttoning her shirt right away. This isn’t right! I cannot do this to the woman I love. I have to cherish and protect her. I shouldn’t take advantage on her while she is drunk like this. I am moving my body from her top to sit beside her. I am giving her a bolsters and quickly run to the bathroom to wash my face with cold water. I know that I cannot blame this to the alcohol. I have wanted to do this for a long time with her but I know that this is not the right way. Tonight, I have failed completely to control my lust.

My alarm wakes me up at seven o’clock in the morning as always. Ruby also wakes up due to the sound because I put my phone near to the bed. She is stretching herself after sleeping.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well last night?”

I am looking at her and wonder whether she remembers about what happened last night.

“Kev, don’t forget that you have to go to the airport soon to pick up Lily. Her plane is landing at 09.00 AM. She is taking Qantas.”

I know from her expression that she doesn’t have any recollection about what happened last night. We both come down stairs and start to cook breakfast together.

“Yesterday, my baby sitter asked my permission to go back to her hometown early this morning. Her daughter is sick. She will be back after her daughter is well.”

I am looking at her and wonder whether it would be alright for me to leave her alone. She has getting much better since yesterday. Her mood wasn’t as introvert as before. It might be alright to leave her just for one or two hours. Maybe, I don’t have to call Chris or Rudy from working. After eating our breakfast, I am taking a shower and preparing myself to pick Lily up. I am driving Ruby’s car to the airport. I let her know that I should be back in less than three hours.

I arrive at the airport in 40 minutes. Lily’s plane is landing on time. I see her carrying her luggage at the airport arrival hall. I am taking her luggage and ask her to follow me to the car. I am planning to take her to Mulia Hotel as she doesn’t have any relative in Jakarta. I begin to start our conversation.

“How’s the flight Ly?”

“It’s good. I hope that you don’t mind that I am coming suddenly to Jakarta without any prior notice. I called Ruby yesterday and found out that you have taken care of her all this time as a favor to Chris because her husband just passed away. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

I am looking at Lily. I thought that Ruby was the one who called her and asked her to come to Jakarta. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling. I am looking at Lily and answer her question directly.

“I didn’t tell you earlier because it’s not true. I am not staying as a favor to Chris. I have been staying because I truly care about Ruby. Ruby was never married to Anthony. He died at their wedding day last year. She just keeps calling him her husband. What did you tell her when you called her?”

Lily replies “I was just asking her what you have been doing for the past year. I asked her why you quitted your job and so on. You never reply my text anymore. I never get a proper explanation from you. If you send me a text, it’s only a really short one. It seems that you are avoiding me.”

I am stopping my car and finally get my courage to talk to her.

“Ly, I am really sorry. I have been wanted to tell you the truth. We have to break up. I am falling in love with someone else. I am really sorry. I thought that I could get rid of my feelings for her because I already have you in my life. But, the more I try to vanish it, the more the feelings grow even stronger. Now, I am up to the point where I don’t want to live without her in my life. I am really sorry. I know how much this will hurt your feelings. I also know that I am such a bastard and being the biggest jerk ever. You just landed and I am throwing you this. I just don’t want to break up with you over the phone or via text messaging. I think you really deserve to know the truth. It’syou’re your fault. It’s mine. That’s why I never talked to you this before while I am in Jakarta.”

Lily suddenly looks at me and says

“I already knew. I knew it from the start. When Ruby left Sydney to go back to Jakarta, I saw how miserable you were. I thought that through time, you can start to love me again but I was wrong!”

I am looking at Lily. She begins to cry.

Lily crying

Lily crying 2

“Ly, it’s not your fault. When I chased you because Ruby told me that the real reason you left me because you got a blood cancer, I thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought I chased you back because I love you. I am sorry. I am really sorry that you have wasted a long time to be with me. I shouldn’t have figure things out too slow. Back then, I thought that my feelings for you were stronger than my feeling for Ruby. Ly, there is nothing more for me to say except I am sorry.”

Lily finally asks me

“Have you ever loved me before?”

I am looking at Lily and give her an honest answer

“I sure did. But, my feelings for Ruby were always stronger even though she is not around.”

I am glancing at my watch and then my phone repeatedly. I know that I shouldn’t even think about anyone else except Lily right now. I should let her go nicely. But, I just feel that something is not right with Ruby. I keep thinking how I have left Ruby to stay alone in the house.

Suddenly, I am thinking to grab my phone and try to call the house many times. No one is picking up the phone. I am trying to call her mobile but she has turned it off. Lily sees me that I am very nervous. She asks me what’s wrong.

“Ly, I am sorry. I cannot deal with you right now and I cannot drop you at the hotel either. There is somewhere I need be at the moment. I have to come back as soon as possible to look for Ruby. Something is not right. No one picks the house phone and she turns off her mobile too.”

Lily looks at me and says

“Don’t worry! Let’s go to her house now. I am sure that she is fine. She is probably just sleeping. I am not blaming you and I don’t blame her either. Love is never wrong.”

I am calling both Chris and Rudy to ask them. I am hoping that one of them is taking Ruby out. I am also calling all of her friends including Amy, Karen and Matthew. They also don’t have any idea where she is at the moment. I am feeling very stupid. I shouldn’t have left her alone.

I am calling Chris again to ask whether something weird was happened last night with Ruby. He said that nothing was out of the ordinary except she cooked for him. I am calling her baby sitter and ask her where she is. She went home early this morning because Ruby told her that her mother needs her to cook for a party. This morning, Ruby told me that it’s because of the baby sitter’s daughter was sick. I should have checked things properly. I finally know why Ruby was lying to me. She was trying to get rid of both of us. She was trying to run away. I am driving the car even faster.

I am calling Rudy again to find out whether he is already in touch with her. Rudy tells me that she was acting very weird yesterday. She said that she was thankful for the love Rudy had given her. She also told Rudy that he should start to live his life well without her.

Damn! I should have known that something is not right. She was trying to say her good bye to all the three of us. How can I didn’t see the sign? She never asked me to sleep with her on the same bed. She only wanted to bid me farewell. I really hope that it’s not too late. I am calling Amy to ask her favor which is to drive Lily to the Mulia Hotel to rest. Afterwards, I keep trying to call Ruby’s cell.

We finally get home. I am trying to run quickly and start searching around the house. I am calling her name constantly. She is not in the first floor.

I am going straight to the second floor to look for her in her bed room. She has already tiding up her room. The room looks fine. There is nothing out of the ordinary.

Suddenly, my eyes catch an abnormal view from the usual. I can see that there is an envelope on her bed. The envelope is lying on top of her pillow. It has my name written on it. I walk towards the bed slowly. I am really afraid now. I really think that she might choose to leave us and end her life.

I open the letter slowly. My hands couldn’t stop shaking. It reads

Birthday letter

Dear Kevin,

I am sorry that I left you without saying good bye. This is not an easy decision especially after you told me a year ago that “If I jump, you jump!”

Your expression before was the one who has given me a will to continue living my life until today. I am afraid that should I try to end my life, you will follow me to leave the world. Now, I know that you won’t do such things. Lily finally can come to Indonesia and stay by your side. I am sure that with her around, she won’t let you to do anything reckless.

Kev, I found out that my existence now only made your life to become heavier. You quitted your job for me; you even have left Lily and let her suffer for the past one year. This has to stop. You have to appreciate her when she is still with you. Look at me, now I only have my regrets because I was too late. I was too late to love Anthony.   

Kev, I never told you about this but if there is anyone who has been holding me back and making me to doubt my decision to leave the world; it is not Chris or Rudy. It’s not my parents and it’s not Anthony’s mom. It’s you. I am so afraid to disappoint you over and over again. I knew that you have spent a long time to delete this thought from my mind. But, I am sorry that I have to fail you.

I know that only without me; you can live a happy life with Lily. Chris and Rudy can also move on with their life. My parents don’t have to go back and forth to Jakarta and keep worrying about me. I am sure that they will mourn for a while but time will make them forget about me.

Kev, I really have tried my best to keep living. But, the longer I live, the more I am doubtful about my true purpose of living. I don’t have a goal in my life anymore. I don’t want to become anyone’s burden. I cannot go back to work with my current conditions. I won’t be able to perform and even become a liability to the company. I don’t know what I want to do more with my life. If I cannot contribute something to this world, there is no point of me to continue living in this hell.

My dear Kev, please forgive me for being really selfish. Please forgive me that I have lost a will to carry on. Last year, I already knew that I didn’t want to live without Anthony. Right now, I know that I don’t want to keep living as a parasite to anyone who takes care of me, especially you. All of you can live a much better life without me.  

Kev, I have written my death will and put it on the safety box. The pin is your birthday. I want to leave everything for you and leave what Anthony has left me to Anthony’s mom. They were never mine to have anyway. Kev, please help me to settle things out with the lawyers about all these. I already made the power of attorney to your name.

Along with this letter, there is also a necklace that I have been wanted to give you when we were in Sydney. The pendant is a musical notation. I hope that you will like it. I also have the same one and I am wearing it today with me. This is just something to remember me when I am gone.

Last, please forgive me and promise me that you will live your life happily with Lily.



I am reading this letter over and over again. I am looking at the necklace and put it on my neck. I really like it a lot. I am kissing pendant while I am trying to think where she is going at the moment. I am trying to find out where would she want to go if she chooses to end her life? I am pressing both of my hands to my head wishing that she has left me any clues for the past few days. I am thinking about her favorite places in Jakarta but none of them makes any sense for her to end her life there. Maybe, she might go back to her hometown but she wouldn’t do it. Her parents are there.

Lily is taking Ruby’s letter from my hand. She is reading it and finally says

“Did she tell you about any place she wanted to go all this time?”

I am shaking my head and answer her

“No! She never asked me to take her anywhere. She always locks herself in her room. She has been sleeping a lot. She only told me that she always has the same nightmare almost every night.”

Finally, I know where she is going. She is going to that hill. I don’t remember the name but I know that she went to her favorite hill a lot with Anthony when they were kids. She told me that in her dreams, Anthony always asks her to stay away from the lake because she cannot swim. Oh my God! She is planning to end her life by drowning herself into the lake.

I am running towards the door and shouts

“Ly, I am sorry. I have to go. Amy will take you to the hotel. I think I might know where she is at the moment. I am sorry. I really have to go.”

I am leaving Lily in Ruby’s room. I know that the way I treated her was really not even a human thing to do. I acted too cruel. But, my priority is Ruby at the moment. If loving her was wrong, then I don’t want to be right. I am calling Rudy to check whether he knows about the hill. He told me that Ruby has mentioned it in the past but never really took him there.

I am asking Rudy to call Aunt Julie and finds out about the exact location. I also tell him not to make them worry. I tell him to figure out an excuse for Rudy to tell Aunt Julie.

“Tell them that we are trying to take her for a picnic or something.”

After a while, my mobile beeps and it turns out that Rudy is sending me the address to this place. I am really not familiar with any cities outside Jakarta. I am stopping my car near the taxi’s queue. I am asking the driver one by one whether they know about this address. Finally, there is one driver who comes originally from Ruby’s hometown as well. He knows the place exactly. I ask him to drive my car and offer him one million rupiah as a reward. He agrees to accept my offer right away.

“Please drive faster. I need to get there as soon as possible.”

“The traffic is really bad at the moment. If we want to go there real fast, we have to ask the local police to escort us.” says the taxi driver.

I am looking at him weirdly. I don’t know that we can ask the police to escort us in Indonesia.

I finally decide to take a chance on this and ask him “How? Please tell me.”

“We can make a stop on the free way at the police station. You just need to pay them. The fee is around Rp. 500.000 – Rp. 1.000.000 one way from Jakarta only.”

I am looking at my wallet. I have around Rp. 2.000.000 in cash and 1000 AUD. I don’t care if I have to give all my money to the police. I need to see Ruby as soon as possible.

“Ok! We will make do!”

The taxi driver nods his head. I am calling both Chris and Rudy to let them know that I am pursuing Ruby at the moment. They asked me what happened. I don’t dare to tell them the truth. I just let them know that Ruby was leaving the house without my permission.

After two and a half hours, we finally arrive at the area. I really don’t know where to find her except to go to the lake she has telling me about. I ask the local people there and one of the kids is taking me to go to the lake.

He takes me to walk 20 minutes from my car. It’s quiet far from the parking lot.

Finally, I can see Ruby. She is walking straight into the lake. The water is already as deep as her waist. I am trying to call her but she doesn’t give any respond to me. I am running as fast as I could and go inside the lake to pull her.

Since I was a kid, I have a phobia with water. I never learn to swim because I was drowned during my first trial practice. Since then, I never try to go near any swimming pool or go to the sea. I don’t even dare to go on a cruise or go fishing with my friends. I always avoid any water activities.

I am breaching the water and it really feels cold. It’s even colder than the water back in Australia. This water feels like the mountain spring. Now, I know why she isn’t responding to my shouts earlier. She is currently wearing head set to cover her ear. She is listening to her MP3.

I am pulling out her head set and begin to scream at her.

“What are you doing? Go back with me.”

She is pulling her hand as strong as she can and shouts

“Please let me go! Please let me die. I don’t want to live anymore. I have no tomorrow.”

I am grabbing both of her hands and says

“You have. You will still have your tomorrow. You have to go back with me!”

It starts to rain heavily. She continues to speak to me

“Please let me go! I have no other reasons to live. I don’t want to become anyone’s burden. Please just let me die. I just want to see Anthony. I want to meet him.”

She is getting out of my hands. I couldn’t even control her anymore. She has managed to escape from my hands. I am running towards her and suddenly realize that the water is too deep for us. I am really scared but I know that I have to save Ruby. I am shouting at her

“Rub, you never know that I can’t swim. I am telling you now; I really can’t swim at all. If you are not willing to go back with me, we will get drowned together. Both of us will die. Is that what you want?”

She is turning her head to look at me

“Kev, go back! Don’t do this! You still have Lily and your friends. You still have many other reasons to live. Go back! It’s really dangerous for anyone to be here!”

“Rub, didn’t you remember what I said last year in the car? You jump, I jump. Lily and I are over. We are not together anymore. She is not the girl in my life. She never was. You are the only reason for me to live. If you die, I will also die with you.”

She is screaming back at me.

“No! Lily has come all the way for you! You can’t leave her like that. I know how it feels to be left out. You cannot do that to her! I will hate you for that! You can’t fall in love with me! You just can’t! You have to go back. You really have to go back!”

The rain makes the water to become wavier. The height is already up to my chest at the moment. I am really scared now. I am running towards her and start to hold her hand.

“It’s too late. I won’t let go of you. Rub, in life, we have to accept that we will eventually leave someone and also being left by another person. That’s life! You just need to grab on to the one you really love and never leave anyone who is important for you. There is nothing else we can do. Lily is not the one I want to grab on in my life, you are the one. Now, I am grabbing you to stay with me. I won’t let go of you anymore! I will follow you anywhere you go!”

She is still insisting to let go of her hand. I don’t know how to make her understand about how I feel at the moment. I really have chosen to be together with her, death or alive. I continue to scream

“Rub, listen to me! I won’t let go of you anymore no matter what you are trying to do. I love you. I don’t care if you don’t love me. You are my best friend, my human diary, and my other half. You mean the world to me and I love you. Now, it’s your choice to live or die together with me.”

She looks into my eyes deeply. Her tears are falling down to her cheek. I am staring back at her deeply. I hope that she could really see that I really mean it.

Suddenly after a while, she is walking towards me, hugging me and says

“I choose to live with you. I won’t let you die with me.”

Suddenly, her hand is slipping from my grip because of the strong wave. The water is becoming too deep. It’s now up to my neck. I couldn’t see Ruby anywhere. I am going to see under the water to look for her. Fortunately, I still can see that she is struggling to make herself go up to the surface.

I am pulling her arms and my right hand is now around her waist. She is unconscious at the moment. She must have swallowed the water. I am trying to breach the water and start walking to the land. But, the wave is too strong. I am screaming to try to get some help. A few minutes later, I can see that there are four people swimming towards us. Two of them are taking Ruby while the others are trying to pull me. Finally, we can reach the shore safely.

kevin 18

I can see that Ruby’s lying on the grass. I run towards her and start calling her name. She is not responding to me. I start giving her the CPR.

“Ruby, please wake up! Don’t leave me! Please wake up. You told me that you chose to live with me! Please wake up!”

I am giving her a CPR nonstop until a few minutes. She is still not responding. It’s really scared me to death. What if she doesn’t wake up anymore? What if I have lost her forever?

I start punching my hand to her chest and scream

“Ruby! You cannot leave me now! Do you understand? Please wake up!!!!”

She still doesn’t give me any response. I am really scared now. I am so scared that I will lose the woman in my life. Suddenly, she is coughing and throwing up the water from her mouth. She continues to cough. I did it! She finally awakes. She is looking into my eyes and says

“Are you ok? Are you ok?”

I am hugging her tightly; as tight as I could. I am scolding her

“You really scared me! I thought my heart had stopped beating! I thought that I had lost you! Please promise me not to scare me like that! Promise me that you won’t try to do things like that anymore”

The rescuers tell us to take a shelter somewhere since it rains heavily. One of the rescuers informs me that we could rest for a while at his home waiting for the rain to stop. I couldn’t express enough gratitude to them. The local people are so nice.

He informs me that his place is a walking distance from the parking lot. One of them only brings one umbrella. He gives it to me and I try to shade Ruby from the rain. She is shivering and so I am. The water in the lake was really cold. It’s at least 10 degrees Celsius.

We finally reach the parking lot. I remember that I still have a bag consists of few fresh shirts. I am taking the bag from the car and bring it with me. The local people tell us that we have to cross the long road and climb a bit to get to his house. We cannot reach his house by car.

It’s really dark. We are walking without any torches. We can’t even light the street using our mobile because it’s raining heavily. We can hear the sound of the thunders loudly as if they are very close with us. Ruby is really scared when she hears the thunders. She is closing her ears and stop walking should the thunders are sounding.

We are lagging behind. The local people have managed to cross the road first. They are screaming to us and give us a signal to cross the road. They tell us that the road is safe for us to cross.

ruby got hit

Suddenly, there’s a very bright light coming towards Ruby and I. It looks like the light from a really big car. Before I know it, Ruby already pushes me to the other way. I start to roll over and fall to the other side of the road.

I can see that everyone’s screaming. I am looking at the rescuers and wonder why they are running towards me. They even keep running to pass me. I am turning my head to see what happen. Finally, I can see that Ruby has been hit by the big white car. There are bloods all over of her head down to her face.

Now, I can understand what just happened. Ruby was trying to save my life by pushing me as hard as she could. I am crawling towards her and scream

“Ruby……………………… No……………… Ruby…………………..”

One thought on “Episode 14: The Star Hill (Ruby and Friends)

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