Episode 18: A Life Choice (Ruby)

Part 1: A Fight

Kevin doesn’t look happy at all when I said “We need to talk”. He looks abysmal. He replies back

“It’s okay. You can take a shower first before we talk. You look tired.”

I am walking towards him and sit on the couch beside him. I start to speak out what I have been feelings for the past few weeks.

“Kev, I already knew the truth since few days ago. I chose to ignore them because I love you too much. However, the more I ignored them, the clearer everything was fallen into place and I cannot choose to be blind and avoid all the bitter facts. I actually saw the fight you had with Rudy, I have dreamt about many of my past memories. I have also found out about Anthony even though I am still not clear about him. The worst thing for me is knowing that you have been deceived me all along. It turns out that we were not lovers in the past. I don’t understand… How could you do this to me?”

I couldn’t continue to talk more as tears are beginning to fall down my cheek. I don’t know what to do. Our love is real but I can’t continue to live in denial. If Rudy was right, I shouldn’t be together with Kev in the first place. Kevin hasn’t said anything yet. He just looks at me and says nothing. I continue to raise my voice

“Kev, what strikes me the most is why did you tell me that I am an orphan? Both of my parents are still alive and you have kept them away from me. Do you have any idea how I would feel to know that I still have my parents? It’s bad enough that I don’t remember them let alone living for the past two years as if they were already dead.”

I am crying even harder and he is reaching and trying to hug me. He says

“Liv, don’t cry… I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please….”

I am pushing him away from me. My emotion is bursting out even more. He still even calls me with my fake name. I don’t want to be someone’s doll anymore, I want to be myself. I am Ruby.

“Don’t call me Liv! It’s never my name. You told me my name’s Livia where in fact my real name is Ruby. Kev, I tried to see it from your perspective; I have tried not to judge you from all of this. I have given you a chance to explain your reasons to me. But, you never have the courtesy to tell me the truth!!! Why did you lie to me?”

Kev replies “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just want you to be happy. It’s better for you not knowing about the truth. You will be happier that way.”

I can stand it. Until now, Kevin still excused his lie on behalf of my happiness. Even if it was all true, I should be the decision maker of my life not anybody else. I continue to scream while crying

“No! I don’t think I want to wait anymore. Please Kev, for once tell me the truth..”

Kev finally opens his mouth and says

“Okay! If you must know, I didn’t just lie to you. I made so many mistakes beside that! I have broken my promise to a dying person, I had deceived my only best friend in the entire world, and I have even ignored my conscience by hiding you from everyone. I told you that we were lovers where we were never been more than friends before you lost your memory. That’s the truth!”

We don’t speak another word for a while. After a few minutes, I ask “Why?”

“It’s because I fell in love with you in a hard way. It’s a love that I never knew existed in this cruel world. I love you so much Ruby and until this very minute I really want you to be my wife forever. I am so selfish even right now I want to tell you that I won’t let go of you under any circumstances. You are the only one I won’t choose to live my life without.

I raise my voice again and say “Is this the way you love somebody Kev? By deceiving her?”

“Please, let me explain to you from the beginning.” Replies Kev.

After standing up, I choose to sit again and say calmly “Okay! You have 10 minutes.”

“I have fallen in love with you since you were only 16 but you had Roy, your first boyfriend. After a while, he left you because of your family were broke. You were so sad and I came over to Indonesia to make a move on you. However, you already had someone who loves you more than anything in the world. It’s Anthony, your playmate since you were even born. How can I compete myself with him? He loved you even he’s willing to put every aspects of his life on hold for you. I didn’t love you as much as he did back then. Later on, I came back to Sydney and was in a relationship with someone else named Lily. We lost contact for a few years when she left me due to her illness.”

He continues to tell his story

“Three years ago, you came again into my life. I didn’t have a strong feeling when you first came to Sydney. I adored you but my heart was still broken because Lily left me with Roy. My heart was full of hatred. You began to slowly fall in love with my best friend named Christian. I helped the two of you a lot to admit both of your feelings. I thought that the two of you could heal your heart by having each other. I thought Chris could give you a better life because you were hurt badly when Rudy left you. Rudy was your second boyfriend and probably the first mature relationship you ever had. You were so in love with Rudy. When he left you to Germany or even got your heart broken to pieces because he wanted to marry someone else, you were running away from the reality.”

“I think that was the reason you came to Sydney in the first place. I have known Chris for many years because he’s the only best friend I have. Chris was a spoilt, play boy, and even childish but I saw with my own eyes how you turned him into a man. On the other way, Chris was also able to heal your broken heart. The uptight girl who rarely made a joke can finally able to laugh again. Back then, you were very cautious to open up your heart. But, Christian healed your heart slowly. Because of you, I also found out that Lily left me to sacrifice herself for my happiness. I chased her back and tried to hide my feelings for you even though I had started to like you very much. We lived together for a couple of months and you made me in love with you slowly but in a way that I could never love someone other than you ever again.”

I am listening to him attentively as I really want to know what happened next.

“You came back to Indonesia because your father was ill. You were already in a relationship with Christian. The two of you opened up your feelings on the day you were leaving. However, everything had to change when Anthony was ill. You decided to leave Christian for Anthony.”

“After a while, you even realized that you have loved Anthony all these years, a love that is more than just a play mate or brothers. I can’t describe the relationship between you and Anthony in words. The bottom line, you two couldn’t survive without one another. You love each other deeply so deep that I couldn’t think that one of you can live without each other. After he died, you chose to end your life even though I tried to change you for a year. I failed and finally got you hit by a car. When you lost your memory, I thought it was a good chance for you to re start your life. I want you to be happy again. I don’t want to see you live your life in depression and mourn every single day.”

I cannot express my words. I just sit tight and don’t know how to react to his explanation. The thing is I don’t know how much I love Anthony, Rudy, Christian or even the other guy. The only person I know is Kevin. I have no recollections of them. I may have remembered some things about Rudy but it’s nothing compare to what we have spent with each other for the last two years.

Who do I love truly? Even if I recall back my memory, I am not sure that I know which guy I love the most. It seems that I have had a deep relationship with most of them. What should I do? I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt any of them, especially Kevin. What if I regain my memory and find out that I don’t love Kev at all. He would even feel more devastated.

“Kev, I think I want us to live separately. You can stay here. I will try to look for another place to live temporarily in Surabaya. After my job’s done here, I will move back to Jakarta to find out who I really am. I hope that you can support my decision.”

Kevin looks at me, takes my hand, hugs me tightly and says

“Honey, did you remember about that night? You said that it only takes 1 me to bring out 1000 memories. How come that you have to change now? You said that everyone else doesn’t matter much beside me. You said that you don’t need to remember your past. You also made a promise that you will forgive me no matter what. Why did you still choose to leave me? We have spent a night together; we have committed to get married in a few months. Does it really have to change?”

Suddenly, I am feeling hurt. I even start to think whether he had tricked me to sleep together because he was afraid of losing me to Rudy. Did he do that to keep me at his side when I find out about the truth? I thought we did that because we truly love each other. How can he think that I haven’t forgiven him?”

I have forgiven him! I am now choosing to move out and making a distant with him because I am afraid that he might get hurt if it turns out that I never love him once I regain my memory back. I try to speak calmly but my voice tends to rise again. I need to know why we slept together that night. That night was very important to me.

“Kev, why did you choose that night to make love with me that particular night? We’ve been living together for the past two years but you never made a move before even though you had plenty of opportunities. Tell me honestly. Why did you choose that night specifically?”

Kev just sits tight and doesn’t say a word. He looks confuse. Finally he says

“What do you mean by saying it specifically?”

I am losing my patient and probe

“Is it because you met Rudy earlier in the afternoon? Was it the reason why you chose to consummate me that night?”

He is shaking his head and tries to touch my face with both of his hand. I continue to yell

“Were you afraid that I would remember anything about Rudy so you chose to have me first? Was it like that? Tell me honestly Kev. For this, I couldn’t bear to know nothing but the truth!”

Kev kneels in front of me while I am sitting on the couch. He says

“Of course not! Why did you think that way? No! I did that with you because I love you so much. I wouldn’t just trick you and get you into bed. I would never sleep with strangers. I haven’t even slept with Lily before even though we were in a relationship for few years. You are my first and my last.”

I am asking him again “Then, why did it have to be that night?”

Kevin whispers slowly

“I am sorry. I might have scared because Rudy was interfering with our lives. My fear may have driven me to have you completely. But Rub, you need to know that everything I did, I do and I will do in the future, they are all because I love you so much, nothing else. I know that you are very angry at the moment but please believe me that my love for you is always real! If I can turn back time, I wouldn’t have done it any differently. We did it because we love each other very much!”

Finally, I am responding to what Kev by saying

“Kev, if this is how you will love me, maybe I don’t want it anymore. I cannot continue living my life like this. I saw Rudy and how he has suffered because you have hid me from him. I am not sure whether my family has also been dealing with the same grief. Now, I even want to go back to Jakarta as soon as possible. I want see everyone who has loved me. I want to live my old life again. I know that this is not who I really am.”

Kevin stands up. He looks very angry. He grabs my hand and says

“So, who is the real you? The depressing you, the mourning you? Tell me Rub! Is this just a reason because you want to get back together with the love of our life? I know that you have fallen for Rudy during the past few days. I saw you’re the way you looked at him. You cared for him! Rudy is living next door now. Maybe, you should move in there and live together with him. Don’t make an excuse that you want to see your family instead. Isn’t living together with Rudy is what you really want?”

I am looking at him in the eye. The last words he just said really hurt my heart badly. It’s like having a knife stabs right into my heart. I can’t believe that my Kevin has the heart to say stuffs like this. I want to make him upset by saying yes but I am afraid to lose him. I can’t even start to hate him. Why is it so hard to make a distant with Kev? I Maybe it’s for a fact that for the past two years, we were all each other have. But, how could he say something like that? I have lived in denial for him and even though I found out about the truth earlier, I still chose to be with him. My tears start to fall down again and this time is a tear of pain. He has hurt me officially.

I look at him and finally say my decision slowly

“If that’s what you want, fine! I will move now and ask Rudy to bring me back to Jakarta. I will pack my things and leave first thing in the morning. If you think of me that way, then I shall leave soon.”

I am walking fast towards my room and suddenly Kevin is running towards me and hugs me tightly from behind. He says

“Ruby, please… I am sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. Don’t keep me away from you. I love you… If you want to go back to Jakarta, let me accompany you. I love you so much… I am sorry…. Anything you want but please… don’t go alone…”

I let go of his hand and say coldly to him for the very first time.

“Kev, love is made by trust, respect, and caring. I don’t know whether I can trust you at this point. I cannot live my life happily with you while knowing that others live their life miserably because of my choice. I have heard you loud and clear before. I know what you truly think of me. Maybe we should take a break.”

He hugs me tighter and says

Please…  I am sorry. I lost control of myself. I cannot lose you… I don’t want to take a break… Honey, when you think you’re not happy with your life, always thinks that someone is happy simply because you exist. That someone is me.”

The tears keep falling down to my cheek. I can feel his despair. I really want to stay and continue to live my happy life with him and not caring about anyone else. But, I know that I have to be strong. I cannot keep hurting anybody else who also loves me like Rudy. I need to repay their kindness. What about my parents? They might live in such a pain, waiting that their daughter to come home. Maybe this fight happens for a good reason. I know we are both hurt but I cannot choose to be this selfish. Deep inside my heart, I really want to kiss him and say that he is the only one I need but that won’t be the right thing to do. I have to lie to Kev for the first time. I need to make him suspect that he had made me angry by asking me to live with Rudy.

I am wiping my tears and turn my body around to look coldly into his eyes

“Sorry, I will go back to Jakarta as soon as possible. Please don’t ask me to stay because it will only make everything harder than it already is. I just want you to know that it hurts my feeling when you said that the real I may want to move and live together with Rudy instead of you. You made everything that I have been through to seem worthless. Maybe you were right! Maybe Rudy was really the love of my life. Kev, I can’t stand that for a fact you made a mistake and now you even blame me for it. Please make some distance with me first. I want to find out who I really am.”

He runs towards me, hugs me and whispers

“Rub, do you still love me?”

I look at him deeply. I want to say yes out loud but I choose to remain silent and walk away to my room. My heart wants to shout I love you 10.000 times but I choose to keep silent.  

Part 2: A Misunderstanding

I am lying down on my bed and crying hysterically. I am afraid that this is it for me and Kev. I know that I am taking such a hug risk by gambling on our relationship. In my eyes, if our love is meant to be, then it will eventually find a way for us to get back together. Leaving him and be with my family is just something that I have to do. If he truly loves me, I am hoping that he’ll wait for me.

I start to pack up my things into two large suitcases. One suitcase is filled with my cloth and other suitcase is filled with all the stuffs Kevin gave for me. I couldn’t just leave it here. They mean a lot to me.

I couldn’t fall asleep until the very morning. I am looking at my watch and it’s pointed at 07.00 AM. I wonder whether Rudy has feeling any better since yesterday. I am taking a shower and pulling out my two large suitcases with me. If possible, I want to go back to Jakarta and meeting my family today.

I open my bedroom door and see that Kevin’s sleeping on the couch. He must have been here all night. I am gathering all of my bravery to walk out from our apartment. I start walking through the door but couldn’t help myself to leave him without saying good bye. I kneel on the carpet beside the couch, caress his hair and kiss his forehead and mouth. I can see that he is still sleeping. I whisper

“I love you….” 

I am finally able to stand and walk my feet and continue walking. Suddenly, he is blocking my way and standing in front of me. He grabs my hand tightly and says

“Please don’t go! I know that you still love me. Just tell me… How can I make you stay? How can I make you to forgive what I have done to you? Please…. Just stay… ”

I am looking at the man I love the most. My walls are starting to crumble. I couldn’t make another defensive action to walk away from him. I am standing still. Through his eyes, I can sense that he’s begging me to stay. I finally talk to him after a few minutes of silence

“I am sorry but I have to go. There’s nothing you can do to make me stay.”

He replies “Tell me your real reason to leave me…. Is this because you are touched by what Rudy has done for you? Is he your real reason to leave? Tell me yes and I will let you go.”

I want to turn my body around and say no. I want to let him know that he’s the only one I love in my heart. No, Rudy is never my reason to leave. I can see Rudy’s pain, I am truly touched for everything but the reason I leave is to see my family.

Out of the sudden, I can hear that somebody’s knocking on the door. Kevin lets go of my hand and opens the door. It turns out that it’s Rudy.

He is still wearing his pajama and says

“Cing, I am so worried when I woke up and didn’t see you beside me. I thought that you….”

Rudy is really coming in a bad time. Everything will be so hard to explain clearly right now. I really don’t want to cause any misunderstanding between the three of us. I already have enough problems to deal with the unknown past I haven’t yet to know. Kevin suddenly pulls out Rudy’s collar and says

“Get away from her! I won’t let you take her away from me.”

He starts to punch Rudy in the face. I am pulling out his hands and things are getting out of control. I couldn’t even get him to be civil. Kevin screams

“Why do you have to do this? Why do you always want to take her away from me? Have you done enough to hurt her in the past? I know that I have deceived her by saying that we were lovers but at least I would never leave her like you did before!”

I remember that Rudy is still sick and I don’t want to cause any more pain in his life. Kevin continues to hit Rudy for several times. He doesn’t even fight back. I know that he’s too weak to even stand up. I try again to pull Kevin away from Rudy but his strength is just too strong for me. Finally, I am slapping him in his right face for the very first face. I scream back at Kevin in order to make him stop this brutality.

“Rudy never asks me to leave you. It’s me who wants to leave. Do you understand? I want to see my family; I want to go back to my old life! It’s all my decision, never his”

I know that I must have hurt him badly by slapping his face in front of Rudy. However, I don’t know how to take out the blame from Rudy at this moment. I never saw Kevin reacting this way before. Finally, he looks at my eyes sharply and says

“Honey, I want you to choose. It’s either me or him! If you choose to walk away now, you are walking out of me and it means we are over. I won’t bother you again and you won’t have me in your life ever again. If you choose to go with Rudy, it means that you are choosing him instead of me. Think about it and choose. I won’t force you to stay anymore. I have done enough begging.”

He is craning his hand and when I turn my head to see Rudy, he is also doing the same thing.

Rudy finally says something after Kevin’s ultimatum before.

“All my life, I have waited for you to stay beside me. For the past few weeks, seeing you with Kevin has ripped my heart apart. I miss you, but I’m trying not to care. I love you, but I’m trying not to show. I want you, but what can I do when you are not even mine? Please choose to go with me because everything in my life reminds me of you. You are truly my everything.”

I know that I want to choose Kev but I need to leave him temporarily. But, I need to see my family. Maybe, it’s better to leave Kev with this misunderstanding for a while. I need him to let me go temporarily. If he truly loves me, I can only hope that he is willing to wait for me to come back.

I walk towards Rudy, turn my head to Kev and say

Don’t judge me for my choices when you don’t understand my reasons. I can see why you forced me to choose but it’s not a matter of who do I choose but what do I have to do for now. I just wish that you can understand.”

Rudy is helping me to get my luggage and Kev says his last words to me that day

“I was wrong. I thought that you loved me. I thought our relationship is like Tom and Jerry. No matter how many times we fight, we won’t be apart. It turns out you are choosing the wealthy General Manager instead of the poor fiancé you have loved for the past two years. I was wrong!”

Rudy replies back to Kevin and say

“Don’t you talk about her like that! She’s not what you said she is. If you don’t watch out what you are saying, I won’t hesitate to hurt you.”

Rudy finally tries to punch Kev in the face but he’s too weak.

I shout to the both of them and say “Enough! Both of you, please stop it!”

I am looking deeply to Kevin. Part of me still wants to stay. I turn my head to look at Rudy and reevaluate all the things. Finally, I choose to walk away from Kevin. I don’t dare to look back at Kevin and see his expression. We continue to walk, turn right and finally reach Rudy’s apartment.

Before he can say anything, I want to explain things out clearly with Rudy. I don’t want him to misunderstand with what happened earlier.

“Rud, I want to explain something. I am going with you not because I don’t love Kev anymore and thus, choosing you at the end. It’s never like that. I still love him very much. I just want to see my family and only you can help me to see them. I am sorry if my decision back at the apartment made you misunderstands.”

Rudy is looking back at me and says

“Yes, I know and I don’t care. I am just glad that you are here beside me. When do you want to go back to Jakarta? I can arrange it for you.”

“As soon as possible after you get better of course… I want you to get well first. Rud, can I ask you something?”

“Yes dear… ask away…”

Why you never give up on me after all this time even though I don’t remember who you are?

He replies “Because your smile is the only smiles which can make me to smile back at someone.”

I know that tears are starting to fall down on my cheek. I am feeling sad, touch and desperate at the same time. Why my real life turns out to be so complicated than I have expected?

We spend the day by rarely talking to each other. Rudy has been making a lot of phone calls to the person named Cindy and try to arrange everything in Jakarta. He just told me that he has arranged everything including informing my family about my arrival in Jakarta. We are flying back to Jakarta tomorrow.

To be honest, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kevin. My entire mind is wondering about him. What is he doing at the moment? Is he okay? Does he miss me?

I know that I miss him so much. I have been looking at my phone waiting for him to call me or at least send me a text, but I have received none so far. I still remember when he said that we are over if I chose to walk away from him. My heart is broken. Is this the end of our love story? Is this it?

Tomorrow morning, Rudy is taking me to the airport where I am riding a plane for the first time. He told me that I have been flying a lot before and it shouldn’t be a problem since I don’t have a fear of height. I am following Rudy wherever I go since I am not familiar with all the process. I sent a text to Kev this morning at 05.00 AM letting him know that I am going back to Jakarta today. After a few hours, he still doesn’t send me a reply.

Now is finally a time for us to go to the boarding gate as it’s already last minute. Deep down in my heart, I know that there’s no use to wait for Kev anymore. I already knew this morning that he wouldn’t come. I must have hurt him badly when he thought that I have chosen Rudy over him. If only he believes that my love is only for him. If only if he knew……….. What I truly feel about him. Suddenly, my phone beeps and it turns out that there’s a text message from Kev. It reads

“Ruby, yes… I finally call you with your real name. I have been lying to myself that you can forgive whatever I have done due to our love. I was wrong. Now, I am freeing you to go. At the same time, I am also freeing myself. I contacted my friend Christian to send over my passport to Surabaya. I will go back to my old life in Sydney. Now, everything is fallen back into place. You will be with your friends and family and I will be with mine as well. Everyone already know that you are coming back home and I believe that All of them and Rudy especially will take a great care of you. I am sorry for everything and I hope that you can truly find your happiness with Rudy.”

Part 3: A Fly Away Back Home

I am reading his text message over and over again. I cannot believe that he chose to go back to Sydney and leave me. I can only cry and cry. Why do I have to choose between the man I love and the family who loves me their entire life? This is not fair.

Rudy asked what happened and I couldn’t do anything except to show him the text message. He puts his hand around my shoulder and whispers that I am doing the right thing by coming home.

I spend most of my journey by locking myself inside the plane’s bathroom and crying. The bathroom is unbelievably small which I never would have suspected before. I am still thinking about Kevin and how I don’t want to end things with Kevin. I don’t want him out of my life. God, how can I let him know that I still love him? Even though I am saying it out loud in front of his face, he might not believe after what I did back at the apartment when walking away from him with Rudy. I don’t understand why for him, it’s either him or anyone else. Why can he understand that I can’t just erase all the people in my life?

“Kev, I am sorry.. If only you can understand my heart… It always belongs to you…” says my heart.

I suddenly have a vision about someone who said to me once that “In life, we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve lost, we’ve missed, we’ve hurt, we’ve trusted, we’ve made mistakes, but most of all, we’ve learned. None of us can’t never experience love without enduring pain.”

I wonder who the person is and why I can remember what he said a long time ago.

We finally arrive at Jakarta and I can see that they are already many people waiting for me at the arrival hall. From the pictures Rudy showed to me last night, I can see both of my parents. The old man which looks like my father hugs me tightly and says

“Welcome home. Where have you been? Why didn’t you call us all this time? We have been worried sick about you.”

He’s pointing to the rest of people who also greet me at the airport. This is mom. Beside her is your elder brother, Eason. This is Christian and his secretary, Cindy and also his sister, June. You have stayed with them for a year when you were in Sydney. They have been tried to search for you everywhere. These are your friends; Amy, Matthew and Karen. You have known them for a long time. This is your baby sitter since you were born, this is grandma. You were close to her. She has cried for everyday since you were missing. Last but not least, this is Anthony’s mother.

I am looking at them one by one and I don’t recognize any of them. All of them look like strangers to me. Suddenly, my mom asks me:

“What’s wrong Ruby? Don’t you remember any of us?”

I am shaking my head. Suddenly, there’s a younger man who I think is Christian hugs me tightly. I can’t even breathe. He says enthusiastically

“Rub, I can’t believe when Cindy told me. You are finally here. This is what I have been praying all along. You are really here. God has given me one more chance to be with you. You are here.”

He is hugging me even more tightly. I try to push him away but his grip is too strong. Finally, I am trying to step on one of his foot. He lets go of the hug and I run to stand behind Rudy as soon as possible. The guy named Christian still chased me and says

“Rub, what’s wrong? I won’t hurt you. Why are you scared to see me? I am Christian.”

I am still standing and trying to hind behind Rudy. Rudy finally says

“She doesn’t remember anything in the past except for the last two years of her life which she has spent without any of us. Please give her some space and try not to scare her.”

My mother approaches me and takes my hand. She says

“Let’s go home. We will take you home. Everybody has been worried sick.”

I am looking at Rudy and wonder whether he will accompany me to go home. I know that I am acting childish but he’s the only one I know at the moment. Kevin is no longer here. I know that all of these new people are here for me and perhaps, they loved me in the past. But, I cannot just trust a person within a second. Even with Rudy, it took me a long process for me to believe everything he said.

“Are you coming with me? Will you stay with us?” ask me to Rudy.

Rudy looks back at me and says “Do you wish me to go with you?”

I am looking at him and say “Please….”

He is taking my hand and now we are holding hand in hand. Suddenly, there’s a girl who I remember my mother mentioned to be my best friend pulls away my hand shouts and points her finger directly to Rudy’s face.

“You leave her alone! How dare you hide her from us? You should have told us weeks ago. I won’t let you to come with us. Ruby, this guy has made your life miserable. You missed your chance with Anthony because of him. You got your heart broken because of him. You went on an extreme diet because of him. You operated your face because of him. You even went back to Sydney and met with my cousin because of him. He has made you cried for days. He cheated on you when he went to Germany. He can’t be trust! If you don’t believe me, do ask Matthew. I wish Anthony’s here to tell you everything. You can forget about anyone but you can’t forget about Anthony.”

A guy named Matthew walks towards me and says

“Rub, you have to maintain your distance with Rudy. He has left you twice. He might leave you again in the future. He doesn’t deserve you.”

I am now feeling even more confused. It seems that everybody thinks that I am with Rudy now. Also, everybody seems doesn’t like him at all. I am looking at my mother and I can see that from her expression, she doesn’t expect any of this. I am looking again to all the people, trying to get the slightest memory of them but failed. Why I can only get a flash back when I was with Rudy?

He clearly means more than the rest of the people who have made an effort to welcome me. I remember that I got some vision even on the first day when I met Rudy. He looked so familiar when the rest of them do not get me chills. However, I think I need to point out that I am not with Rudy at the moment to avoid any misunderstanding in the future. I speak my words to the girl.

“Sorry…. But, I think you have misunderstood. Rudy and I are not together. I have been engaged with Kevin. We have lived together for the past two years. You don’t have to worry about Rudy hurting me. It won’t happen because I don’t feel for him that way.”

She pulls my right hand and says

“What did you say? You are with Kevin? How? It’s not possible! No….. He’s not the right guy for you. Did you know they he left his girlfriend when she was ill with cancer? He dumped her on the day she visited Kevin to Indonesia. She stayed for a few days at my place. I know what kind of guy Kevin is. He is a player! Where is he now?”

I know that there are much more important history that I haven’t got from both Kevin and Rudy. They only had told me the important highlights from their points of view.

“Don’t worry. I am a big girl. Even though I still don’t remember what happened earlier, I know who truly loves me and genuine to care for me. I don’t like it when you talked bad thing about my fiancé. You may be my good friend but you shouldn’t judge him as a player.”

She continues to argue “But…..”

I raise my hand to my new friend. I know that I can collect some information from her but I cannot just trust her with verifying the fact.

Christian then speaks up again

“If you insist to bring Rudy to come home with you, then I will also come and join you. I want to protect you. No one can hurt you when I am around.”

A girl who I remember my mother said to be Christian’s sister jumps in into the conversation

“No. It’s not even possible. Don’t forget that you are a President Director now. You have a huge responsible. Our company is already one man short with Rudy’s accompanying Ruby to her home. You should stay in Jakarta instead. I am sure that Rudy will take a good care of Ruby.”

She is turning her head to look at me and say

“Ruby, do you really not remember any of us? Please look at me and try to remember. We used to live together for a year in Sydney. You used to cook for me.”

I am trying to look at Christian and his sister deeply but no flash back so far. I am shaking my head again and she finally whispers something to her secretary. I remember that the girl is in fact the same girl who I saw earlier in Surabaya at night when she visited Rudy.

Cindy smiles at me and says “Welcome back Ruby. I hope that you are feeling better now.”

“Thank you” says I politely.

I am thinking about all the things that it’s really weird. Why I cannot remember anything at the moment. Rudy finally takes my hand again and says to everybody

“Ruby is tired. We shall go home first and discuss everything later.”

Everyone finally agrees and we finally walk away from the airport. I chose to ride Rudy’s car along with his driver and also my mother who sits beside me. I don’t know why but I don’t want to let go of Rudy’s hand at this time. I am scared to be around strangers who know me well but on the other hand, I don’t know any of them. I can’t differentiate which of them who really were close to me before. For the first time, I am really scared.

“Kevin, where are you now? I miss you so much…”

Part 4: A New Home

I have been staying in my new house for several days now. We live out of town around 4 hours from Jakarta airport. Rudy has been staying with me for all this time. To be honest, I don’t like living in this house at all. So many observant, so many commentators, and even my big family saw me weirdly. I found out that I in fact have a big family with more than 16 Uncles and Aunts and plenty of cousins and nephews. Many of my Aunts have visited me for the past few days. One of them, you can tell that she hates me a lot. I don’t need my memory back to reconfirm this fact. Just by the way she looked at me, talked to me and “interrogated” my mother, I can know for a fact that she is my “evil” Aunt. On the other hand, I realize that I have one good hearted Aunt who donated many of her fortune for unfortunate children. She even took me yesterday to visit an orphan. For the first time in a week, I can be myself when playing with those children.

Fortunately, Rudy knows my family very well. He has told me who really care for me and who have faked all along and see me as a weird insect. During the past few days, I have been getting many more visions about Rudy. He came to my room at one night and my vision shown me that we kissed before inside this same room.

Out of the sudden, there’s a knock on my door and I am telling who ever the person is to come in. It turns out that it was my “fierce” friend from the airport named Amy. She came along with Rudy.

I am sitting on my bed and they sit together on my couch. She finally says

“I have decided to tell you every detail I know about you. This includes your love life with the three men I know. They are Anthony, Rudy and my cousin Christian. I don’t care whether Rudy will hate me because of this. Please listen because I find this important.”

She starts to tell the story of how I had a best friend named Anthony. She also spills every single detail about how I met Rudy, how we got together, how we broke up before and how miserable I was when I thought that he got a girl pregnant before. Then, she told me about Christian and how I fell for him during my trip to Sydney. She also pointed out that I never have any love history with Kevin before. At the end, she told me how I was devastated when apparently my husband Anthony died on our wedding day. Suddenly, I stop her

“That part, I knew. I had a dream about how it happened. I saw the wedding in my dream. Did I love him so much?”

“Yes you did and I think that you still do and you will always do. I know that it’s not fair for me to say this but you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you still figure out your true feelings with Anthony and you really sure that you have gotten over him. You don’t remember anything about him now but I bet with my own life that you would regret to make any decision without remembering him first.”

Amy sounded very serious when she mentioned about Anthony. Perhaps, there’s something into it than meets the eye. She continues to give her advice.

“Rub, you should have waited in the first place. You shouldn’t be together with Kevin. I was shocked when I heard that you two were engaged. Later on, I found out from Rudy that Kevin has deceived you for the past two years and finally I can understand why. Kev never told you about your true past. Didn’t you see? He tried to make you as his puppet.”

My tears begin to fall down and Rudy suddenly speaks

“I don’t think Kev tried to make Cing a puppet. That’s a strong accusation. Don’t forget that he had stayed at her side, day and night for a year after Anthony’s dead. He has loved her all along even when she was with Roy. It’s just when Cing lost her memory, it drove him to make a decision to finally act. He didn’t longer feel the competition. My guess is at the time, he finally realized how much he loves her. Amy, I truly believe that everything he did was due to love not out of love.”

Finally, I can open my mouth and say

“Amy, my brain is maybe empty with memories but my heart is not blind. I know about sincerity and love. I appreciate you for telling me all of this. To be honest, I couldn’t feel the pain when you talked about when Rudy left me or when Anthony died before. I just couldn’t. All I can feel at the moment is that Kevin is the person I love and miss right now. Please give me some time to digest everything.”

Amy tries to talk back but Rudy makes a gesture to stop her from saying anything more.

We all spend the rest of the day by having dinner with the rest of the family. I don’t know how I can be friends with Amy before since I never had any girl friend for the past two years. After dinner, I invite Amy to sleep in my room. I want to know about our friendship. Perhaps, she can also fill me in about other important details.

We talked for hours last night and nothing was new except that I got to know about the friendship I had with her, Karen and the guy named Matthew. The other thing that stroked me last night was about Lily (Kevin’s ex girlfriend). Amy said that Lily was staying a few days with her. She mentioned that Lily hated me so much for what Kevin did to her. She thought that I was the cause of their break up. One of the extreme incident was she did torn up all of my photographs in Amy’s apartment. Thus, Amy cannot bring them now to remind me about our friendship. Nevertheless, after hearing Amy’s explanation, I can’t really blame her for what she did. I may also be furious if I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a year and all I got is from him that he already fell for somebody else and dumped me as soon as I arrive. I couldn’t believe that Kev could treat a girl this cruel.

Amy went back in the morning since she has to go back to Jakarta to work. She even offered me to come back working at her company and apparently to work under the boss who used to adore me very much. I want to come back to work since I also have nothing to do at home. However, when we brought out the topic to Rudy, he disagrees right away. He said that he wants me to come and work with him instead.

Afterwards, Rudy is asking me to accompany him to go somewhere. He says that it’s an important place for me in the past. On the way, he is asking me the subject I’ve been avoided to remember.

“Have you been in touched with Kevin lately?”

I am looking at Rudy and shaking my head bitterly.

“I have sent him many texts but he has switched off his mobile. The last thing I know is he told me that he wanted to go back to Sydney.”

“Are you okay? I know you must have missed him a lot. Do you want me to check? I can ask somebody to track where he is.”

I am glancing at the guy beside me and fully understand why I used to fell for him before. He’s sincere in so many ways. I know that he still loves me but he’s still willing to help me find Kevin.

We finally arrive at a beautiful hill which looks like a nice holiday spot for family. It has a lake. The weather is lovely. It’s very unlike Surabaya which tends to be hot during day and night. I am walking towards the lake to play with the water. It’s so cold.

Out of the sudden, I am having so many visions after touching the water. All the visions are glancing at the same time. The vision when I was a child playing with an older boy, the vision when a guy and I kissed each other which looks like after a marriage proposal. I am sitting on the grass and suddenly remember that this is the place I’ve been dreaming all along. I know that the little boy and the handsome guy must be Anthony. I am having more visions about lying on the same grass at night looking at the stars with him. I remember the fireworks and how warm we used to hug each other. Amy is right. Anthony is really important to me.

I am taking Rudy’s hand and say

“Please… help me to remember about Anthony. Bring me to the place I used to have all memory with him. I want to remember him.”

We are planning to leave the place since the clouds become grayer. The grass is a bit slippery and hence Rudy is holding my hands to walk with me. I am seeing a big tree on the top of the hill. It captures me and draws me to go there.

“Can we make a stop and sit near the tree first?” I ask Rudy.

“Sure.” He replies

We are walking towards the tree and it’s very hard for me to hike since the grass is slippery. Suddenly, my ankle slips and I am falling down, rolling on the grass. I feel like Rudy is shouting, hugging, and rolling along with me until we finally stop. I feel so dizzy. Rudy is on top of me and says

“Are you okay? What do you feel? Please tell me. Are you hurt?”

I am looking deeply into his eyes and having another vision similar to this. I remember that the exact same thing happened to us only that we kissed back then. Rudy’s face is getting closer to me and I am seeing so many visions or maybe flash backs about the two of us. Finally, I dare myself to ask the most awkward request to anyone. I ask him to kiss me and hope that I could remember some more.

“Rud, kiss me.”

His eyes look deeper into mine. I am closing my eyes and feel that his mouth is touching mine. I don’t response back to his kiss but I only hope that I can get more visions about our past. However, none have come so far. It doesn’t work. I try to push him away but he continues to kiss me passionately. I still don’t response to his kisses but he doesn’t understand my cold reaction. I know that it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have asked him to kiss me. He kisses me even more and more passionately. Maybe, he’ll stop when I response. I begin to move my mouth and kiss him back. I can feel that he is smiling. He’s overjoyed and perhaps misunderstood that I also enjoy the kiss.

Out of the sudden, I have many flash backs about us including our dates, our kisses in the past, the night we danced, even I see that he’s kneeling down to propose to me. Did I say yes? Apparently I did. Oh my God…. Is he the one who I truly love all this time? Not Kev? But my feeling for Kevin is real. I still love him and we shouldn’t even kiss in the first place.

I am turning my face to the right and hope that he understands that we need to stop. He asks

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. It’s not you. It’s me. I shouldn’t ask you to kiss me. I am sorry.”

“I am not.” He replies immediately and continues to say

“I am not sorry at all. I have been wanted to kiss you like this for a long time. Cing, I love you.”

We are sitting down for a while and I finally dare myself to ask him

“Rud, did I love you before? How much?”

“I don’t know how much you love me but perhaps, more than you love your own life.”

“Why did you or do you think that way?” asked me.

Rudy is answering me by telling the story of the triangle love between him, Anna and myself. He is letting me know how I sacrificed my own happiness and even my own dignity for the two of them. He told me that he was being coward at that time. He shouldn’t have asked me to deal with Anna. He was in a “shock” stage where he tried to deny everything. He is sorry that he should have dealt with everything along. We continue to leave the hill and drive home after some times.

At night, Rudy is asking my parent’s permission to bring me to Jakarta. He said that he wants to bring me to live at my old apartment. He also has promised to me that he will take me to my new house with Anthony. It turns out that I used to live there with Kev for a year.

After a long debate, my father finally agrees to let me go. After we have finished our dinner, my mother is asking me to wait in my room. She says that there is someone who wants to talk to me. I am sitting on my bed, opening my old photograph album. Most of my photo album is filled with Rudy and Anthony. I wonder why I never took any of Kevin’s pictures in the past. Suddenly, my phone is ringing and it reads as private number.

Me                         : Hallo

Caller                    : Hi, is this Ruby?

Me                         : Yes. May I know who’s speaking?

Caller                    : This is Lily. Do you know who I am?

I am thinking hard whether this is Lily who everyone said was Kevin’s girlfriend in the past. However, I don’t want to guess it wrong.

Me                         : Can you please tell some more about yourself?

Caller                    : I am Kevin’s friend. I need to talk to you in person and please don’t tell anyone about meeting me. I don’t want anyone to know that I am in Jakarta.

Me                         : Ok. You can just text me the time and place. I will be there. Is Kevin’s alright? Where is he now?

The phone is now longer connected. After a while, she sends me a text and ask me to meet her one week later on Sunday at Shangrilla hotel, Jakarta. I will ask Amy how to get there later when I reach my apartment tomorrow.

Somebody is knocking on my door and I ask the person to come in. It turns out that it is Anthony’s mother.

I greet her and say “Aunty, please come in. I am sorry that I don’t know it was you. I would have changed my pajama. It’s not polite to see you like this. Please sit down Aunty. Can I get you something to drink? Do you want to have a hot chocolate?”

She is shaking her head, smiling and says

“I used to see you in your pajamas all the time. You don’t have to address me so formally. You used to call me mom even before you got married with Anthony. Perhaps you don’t remember but we were very close since you were little. When your mother got angry with you, I was the one who always defend you. She always says that I have spoilt you too much. You have grown into a beautiful woman now. I can’t believe how the days can go by too quickly.”

I am taking both of her hands. Suddenly, I can feel her pain. She has lost her son and now even though I am already here, I can act like her daughter. It must have been very painful for her.

“Ma, do you blame me for Anthony’s dead? Did he die because of me? No one told me how he died. Can you please tell me the truth?”

She replies back at me “No, of course not! He didn’t die because of you but due to illness from his accident. You were all the reasons for him to live. How can you think that you made him die?

“I don’t know. I just think that I don’t bring luck to anyone. I broke many men’s heart, I made my parents sad, I made you lost your son, now I am even hurting the man I love. I don’t care whether he tricked me in the first place. Ma, you must have thought that I have betrayed or even cheated on Anthony. I am really sorry but I didn’t know about Anthony two years ago. I really thought that Kevin was the only person I knew in my life. I thought I was an orphan.”

Anthony’s mother hugs me from the side and puts my head on against her chest. She says

“Don’t worry my daughter. I know who you really are. I have known you since you were born. I know your heart. You won’t even hurt a fly. Do you know why you broke many men’s heart?”

I am shaking head. She continues to caress my hair and says

“It’s because they have broken yours first. However, I am just afraid that you will get hurt again now. You can easily have a crush on somebody. Ma also knows that you can easily get touched when a man is being nice to you, especially if he sacrifices something for you. Sometimes, you don’t even know who you truly love, who can bring you the happiness you deserve. But, Ma can only say this to you that no matter you choose to end up with in the future, I can only hope that he can love you as much as Anthony loves you. This is Anthony’s diary and death will. Ma took it from his house earlier. It’s left on your bed when you left the house for the last time. Anthony has left you with everything including the house, the car, all of his stocks and also his money. They are all in this envelope.”

I am giving back the envelope to Ma and say

“Ma, I will take the diary. But, I want you to have everything else. I don’t deserve to have all of this. You can use it for all your needs instead.”

Ma says “You probably don’t understand but Anthony would be really angry with me if I took it from you. You are the only person he loves in this world. I maybe his mother but you are his other half.”

I am asking Ma the question I’ve been wanted to ask her since the first time I saw her.

“Ma, did I love Anthony so much?”

She answers “Yes, with all of your heart.”

Ma is then leaving me alone in the room and I begin to open his diary. I read one by one until it finally finishes. I couldn’t believe that someone can love me this much. The one page that strikes me the most is when he wrote on my sweet 17th birthday.

August 29, 2002

Dear Ruby,

Today, you are celebrating your 17th birthday. I can only drop my tears because you choose to spend it with Roy. I know that I should be happy for the two of you but why I always feel that he’s not worth of your love. Maybe, no one can ever fit in my eyes when it comes to be your boyfriend.

You never knew that since a long time ago, I have fallen in love with you the night we spent on the star hill. Back then, I asked you what your third birthday wish was. You said that you want to meet your prince charming in the future. Deep down inside, I always want to be your prince charming. Sadly, you have only seen me as your brother.

If I can cut my life for 20 years, I am willing to replace them for your happiness. I sincerely hope that you can meet your prince charming in the future, the one who loves you at any cost.

Ruby, happy birthday my love…. I hope that someday you will realize that your prince has always been by your side all this time Maybe, I am too easy to overlook.



Even though I don’t know Anthony now, I can feel his love for me. God, why did you arrange me to have the accident? I never understand Your plan but I do hope that I won’t hurt anyone in the future.

Part 5: A New Friendship

We are going to my apartment in Jakarta around lunch time. On the way to Jakarta, I think I need to explain what happened with us during our kiss yesterday. I don’t want him to misunderstand.

“Rud, I want to explain something about the kiss yesterday. I am sorry. I asked you to do it for a wrong purpose. I know that it’s outrageous for me to even ask you in the first place. I am so sorry but I couldn’t understand why my visions only show when you are beside me. I can’t get any hints even around my family. It’s only you who can bring back my memory. I am truly sorry.”

He smiles, touches my right hand and says

“I know… I know by the way your lips touch mine in the first place. You didn’t respond at all. I thought that I caught you in a moment but it turned out that I was wrong. I know what your heart feels at the moment. You still love Kevin so much, am I right?”

I am looking at him one again and couldn’t believe that this kind of guy even exists. I reply to him

“Thank you for understanding. You don’t need to stay beside me all the time now. I can take care of myself. I am not as alone as I was back in Surabaya. I can call my parents all the time; I can call my friends to go out with me. You can do anything you want.”

Rudy replies what I have said earlier without even looking back at me. He says

“You don’t understand. There is no anything I want except to stay beside you all the time.”

He continues to smiles along the way. I finally cannot stop myself to ask him

“Why are you so happy when I told you about the kiss?”

He replies “I am smiling because you said that your vision only shown when I am around you. It proves that I am the most important person in your heart before you lost your memory.”

I am smiling back at him and wonder whether what he said was true.

We are finally arriving at my apartment. It’s very girly and I truly believe that I used to live in this place. All the décor and color were so me. This is exactly how I would decorate my own house. This time, Christian has already waited for me in the apartment by sitting on the couch.

Afterwards, he requested Rudy to give me some time alone with him. Rudy hesitates for a while and looks at me. I am smiling to him and giving him a sign to say that it’s okay. Rudy is leaving the apartment to buy some groceries.

“How are you Rub? Are you feeling well? Have you remembered anything?” asks Christian

“I am well. I have remembered some things related to Rudy and Anthony. However, other than that, it’s really hard for me to remember anything else, not even a remotely field.” answers me

“Not even your parents?” Christian asks again.

“Yes, not even them. I don’t know but I found them quite strange. I don’t know how to explain it to you. It’s just…………”

Before I can continue my explanation, he cuts me off by saying

“I can totally relate to you. I am not very close with both my parents also. Even when mother died, I didn’t feel the pain as much as when you we broke up earlier. You don’t have to explain to me. Sometimes, family can become stranger and friends can become family because they are always there when we need them.”

I am smiling at Christian. I am not quite sure whether I was close with family before but I have to say that Christian is right. Kevin and Rudy was more like my family rather than my mom and dad.

“Have you been told about our story? Do you want to know?” asks Christian suddenly

“No… Please do tell. I want to know for sure.” I reply to Christian.

“We met when you tried to escape from Rudy in Sydney. You were staying in my house. At first, I thought you were just like any other girls who like fortune, branded bags and clothes more than friendship. However, with the time went by, you have proven me wrong. You valued me not because I am the rich second generation from the Wong’s family. You are kind to me because I am Christian. You were even willing to work during the night shift to buy my birthday present. When you lived in Sydney with me, Kevin was our roommate and our best friend. He helped us a lot to be with each other at the time. We finally were able to admit each other’s feeling on the last day you are leaving Sydney. However, when Anthony got an accident, you chose to leave me out of guilt even though you still love me. Do you know why the accident happened?”

I am shaking my head again and wait for him to answer

“It’s because you chose to tell him that we were together. Anthony couldn’t accept the fact that we were together. Thus, he was speeding and got the accident.”

Now, I finally know why Rudy, Kevin or anyone never told me about this. I was the cause of Anthony’s death. He was ill because of the accident and it happened because of me. Christian continues to speak

“Rub, are you okay? You look pale.”

I am shaking my head and say “No, I am okay! Please continue to tell our story.”

“After that, nothing much to go on really…. I haven’t able to give up chasing you but I couldn’t since I hurt you badly during our break up. I said something I shouldn’t say to the woman I love, I did some things which you couldn’t forgive at the time. I am truly sorry. I wish that I could turn back time.”

I am looking at Christian and find this “weird” expression. He doesn’t look like a person who loves me. I could see the “love” expression in both Kevin and Rudy but I just couldn’t notice from his face.

“May I know whether you still love me right now? I need to know where you are at the moment.”

He is looking at me deeply and says

“I don’t know. I mean I sure love you and you are still one of the most important women in my love. But, we have been apart for so long. I am not sure.”

I am smiling and finally ask him

“I am one of the most important? May I know who the other woman is?”

Christian is smiling back at me and says

“You are still so smart Rub. Lately, I have been feeling something else with Cindy, my late mother’s secretary who is now my secretary. You used to like her too.”

I am offering him a glass of water and ask him again

“So, why the two of you aren’t together yet?”

“I am still confused. I don’t know whether someone could love two people at the same time. My heart has only filled with you since you were gone. I have been looking for you everywhere. I missed you like crazy, I…….”

I am touching Christian’s hand and says

“But now that I am here, you do not longer possess this feeling towards me. Am I right? You saw me differently. You thought that you would even love me when meeting me few days ago back at the airport. It turns out that you miss Cindy more when she was not by your side, even when travelling for few days for business trip. Now that I am sitting beside you, you don’t feel the butterfly in your stomach. You only see me as a friend or someone who is important for you.”

“How do you know that?” says Christian

“I might have lost my memory but I am still a girl. And, you are probably right by calling me a smart girl.” says I while laughing together with Christian.

“Chris, it’s simple. You used to love me but as time went by, you have fallen in love with Cindy slowly. It’s okay for you to feel that way. You deserve to be happy. Also, I have to let you know that I am such in a bad shape right now. I know that I love Kevin so much but I couldn’t just ignore Rudy’s position in my heart. He’s the only one who can give me visions. Also, I may not feel a thing about Anthony but by looking at his diary and from gathering everyone’s information, it seems that we used to love each other very much. He might be the last person I love before I lost my memory. So, I really don’t need one more guy to complicate the situation even more. I want to have a friend that I can trust, a person who can give me good neutral advices. I really hope that it would be you.”

Christian is laughing and he finally says

“I am not sure that I can stay as your neutral friends. After all, you were my first love. No one is good enough maybe perhaps beside Anthony to be your lover. I am not sure whether I even like my brother. He’s so cold to everyone around him. He’s a close book. I never know what’s on his mind.”

I am smudging my face and ask “Your brother? Who? Is Kevin your brother?”

He is looking at me seriously and says “No, it’s Rudy. Didn’t you know? Rudy is my brother.”

Christian then continues to tell me his family story. It seems that his family situation is very complicated. Nevertheless, I am glad of the new friendship I have with Christian. At least, one guy who used to love me is happy right now.

Christian is touching my hand and asks

“Rub, Kev called me few days ago. He sounded awful. He has told me all the things that happened with you and him for the past two years. He has apologized to me for hiding you all along. After hearing his explanation, I really feel bad for the guy. However, he didn’t explain why he chose not to come along with you to Jakarta. Is it because of Rudy? What happened with you two?”

My tears start to fall down again even though they are only two to three drops away. I speak

“It’s a long story. Bottom line, we have hurt each other’s feelings badly.”

Christian finally says “I don’t know what happened but you have to know that he has sacrificed everything to take care of you. He has nothing left now.”

Finally, Rudy has come back from his grocery shopping and stops Christian to say anything more about Kevin. Christian is standing up and planning to leave but Rudy asks him to sit down again.

Rudy says “Chris, I want to ask your permission. I want Cing to come back working for us. She can stay as my assistant for a month and come back to fill her old position as the HR Vice President. What do you think?”

Christian replies him by saying “Ok! I have no problem with that. It’s just we have to alert the managers first and let them know about Ruby’s situation. That way, they won’t get confuse.”

“I am thinking differently though.” Says Rudy

“What do you mean?”

Rudy finally explains his plan to Christian.

“I am planning to brief Cing everything and everyone in our company. No one shall know beside you, Cindy, I and June or May about her condition. I don’t want anyone to take any advantages because she has lost her memory. Don’t worry. I will prepare her during these few days. She will come back to work on Monday fully briefed.”

Christian is nodding his head without even arguing anything. Finally he says to Rudy

“Do you know that this is the longest thoughts you have spoken to me for the past few years? Is it so hard to speak to me besides talking about Ruby? I am your brother after all”

Rudy doesn’t even smile back at Christian. He doesn’t look at him as his friend, let along his brother. He’s back to the cold Rudy I knew when he interacted with his co workers back in Surabaya.

I finally speak out for Christian to Rudy.

“Rud, maybe all of us can become good friends. Why don’t we go out for dinner tomorrow? He can bring June along. The four of us can have a good time.”

Rudy smiles back at me and he says

“Cing, I already made plans with you tomorrow, maybe perhaps another time.”

I know that he’s just being polite to reject Christian’s offer. Suddenly, Rudy opens his mouth and speak again while Christian is walking out towards the apartment.

“Chris, I will come back to work at the office together with Ruby on Monday.”

It’s not even how a person should address permission but what he said earlier was more on a declaration of “for your information”. Rudy is Rudy. He is very cold to others and I wonder why. He is like a snow volcano mountain.

Rudy spends the next few days by informing me all about Wong’s Corporation in Jakarta. I have known about their history during my orientation back in Surabaya. He even brought me some photographs of all the employees at Wong. He asked me to memorize them all including their name, title and job descriptions. He even pointed out who have I hired personally.

Christian comes by every day. Sometimes, he drops by during breakfast or during lunch time. He never brings along his “Cindy”. This morning, he came along with his sister June.

She looks a lot more like Rudy. She also speaks when absolutely needed. I can finally see the resemblance between the three siblings. Christian shows me another picture of his sister named May. Apparently, he told me that May’s character is more like him. But, her “bossy” attitude is inherited by her mother. Apparently, her mother has given me a princess lesson during the past. Christian told me a few of them and it gets me to laugh so hard. I am also excited to hear many stories at the office about May. I really intrigue to meet her in the future.

Today is Saturday and I remember that I promise to meet with Lily tomorrow. I haven’t asked Amy about where Shangrilla Hotel is. It’s very odd that she asked to meet in the parking lot, not inside the café or even the room. I am calling Amy to find out about the hotel location. She offers to take me there but I lied to her that I want to buy a birthday cake for Rudy. Rudy’s birthday is in fact on September. I knew it from the back of our photograph before in my hometown. Now is only July but I couldn’t think of any other lie to meet Lily tomorrow. It turns out that the hotel is very near to my apartment and all I need is to catch a taxi to get there. Now, what I need is to find an excuse to leave the apartment alone from Rudy.

We are having dinner together at the apartment. I asked him why he hasn’t brought me back to my house with Anthony. He said that I need to be prepared for the office matters first. It’s very crucial that no one knows about my memory lost. I wonder why he desperately needs me to go back to the office on Monday. He hasn’t said anything all along and I choose to trust him instead.

Before I am asking Rudy for his permission tomorrow, I want to ask him about why he behaved coldly to Christian all this time.

“Rud, can you tell me why are you being cold in front of Christian and your sister? I don’t understand. I thought you wanted to have a family. You said to me when you were unconscious before that you didn’t want to be alone. They are nice people. Who don’t you get yourself close to them? I can see that Christian has tried very hard to please you.”

He replies me back by saying

“Cing, you only have known them for the past weeks. How can you know that they are good people? Don’t be too easy to trust a person. A person’s heart is deeper than any ocean. You never know when they can backstab you in the future. Cing, trust no one accepts me. You can’t put your trust 100% even though to your parents. The only person who is worth to trust completely is only Anthony and unfortunately, he’s no longer beside you. Everyone will act for their own benefit. No one can love a person unconditionally.”

I know that Rudy must have undergone a lot of bad things to make him what he is today. Suddenly, I am feeling bad for the guy. I hope that whatever our relationship will turn out in the future, I can still be someone who can he trust completely. I don’t want him to feel alone. My phone beeps and Rudy asks me who the message from. I lied to him and said that it’s from Amy. It turns out that it’s from Lily which reads

“Bring no one with you. I want to talk to you personally.”

Episode 15: A Pandora Box (The boys)

pandora box

Part 1: Finding Ruby (Christian)

Rudy and I have been waiting at Ruby’s house for more than ten hours. There is still no any update news from either Kev or Ruby. I begin to feel really worry about them. I keep calling Kev’s cell phone but the phone is switched off. There is also no point trying to call Ruby’s cell phone as well.

Rudy and I still don’t know how to talk to each other except asking about the time or reconfirming whether Kev has contacted either one of us. The sky is now getting brighter. It’s already early in the morning. I am looking at my watch and see that it’s already 06.00 AM. We really need to start calling her parents to check whether they paid them a visit yesterday. I am asking Rudy to call them since he is more familiar with them. After hanging up the phone, Rudy informs me that they Kev and Ruby never paid them a visit yesterday.

I am asking Rudy again for a hundred times about the details Kev spoke to him yesterday. After discussing and repeating the same information over and over again, we both agree that we should go to the hill and look for them. The hill is our best shot at the moment. I am asking my driver to find out whether he knows the location. He says He knows the main road. We could ask the local people for further direction to find out the specific location.

We finally reach the place after six long hours of making two wrong turns and experiencing such a heavy traffic. Indonesia is really different with Australia when it comes to the road infrastructure and traffic rules. Rudy and I are spreading to search the location. We just found out that the hill is in fact really wide. I couldn’t see that there is anything special about the hill. There is a big lake which looks quite descent but it looks dirty. I don’t think anyone would want to swim on the lake.

We don’t know where to search Kev and Ruby anymore until we hear some of the local motorcycle men chatting about a random accident. They are saying

Guy #1: The car blew up because of the heavy rain. I think it’s because of the leaking fuel hose. The girl is probably already dead but the young man survived. He was also injured.

Guy #2: When did it happen?

Guy #1: It happened yesterday night. I heard that the girl was trying to end her life by drowning herself into the lake. The young man tried to save her life.

Guy #3: And then?

Guy #1: They were trying to cross the road when there is a car coming towards them unexpectedly. I heard from Pak Lurah (Pack Headman) that she tried to save him by pushing him to the other side of the road. She got hit badly by the car. There were bloods all over the place.

Guy #3: Who are they?

Guy #1: I don’t know but they are not from here originally. The young man doesn’t even have his KTP (Indonesian ID Card). They said that He’s from Australia.

Oh my God! It can be Kevin and Ruby. I am approaching the three motorcycle men and ask them

“Where did they go? I might be their family. Are they in hospital?”

Guy #1 tells me that some of the local people have brought them to the nearest hospital. I ask Guy #1 to make the lead and take us there.

Rudy doesn’t say a single word. I can see that he is shaken up a bit. I try to keep him calm by telling that Ruby and Kev might be alright.

We finally arrive at the local hospital. It’s more of a small rural clinic.

I finally reach the small reception and ask

“Is there any patients under the name of Ruby Lee or Kevin He?”

She is looking at her files and says no. Rudy then asks her again

“Is there anyone brought here yesterday because of a car accident?”

The nurse finally says yes. She is telling us that both of them have been transferred to a bigger hospital in Jakarta because the girl’s condition was really critical.

“Can you please tell us which hospital? We are their immediate family.” says Rudy

The nurse probes us to find out more about our relationship to either Kev or Rub.

“Who are you?”

Rudy answers the nurse straightly

“The girl is my wife! Now, tell me where she is at the moment or I will sue you and this hospital together!”

Finally, I can see some emotions coming out from the frozen Rudy. He must love Ruby very much. The nurse informs him that they took her to one of the biggest hospital in Jakarta called Medistra. We make a move right away and ask my driver to drive back to Jakarta.

On the way to Jakarta, he makes some phone call to the hospital asking about Ruby and Kev. He says

“It’s weird. They said that they are no any patients transferred from here. I have also double checked with them. They told me that they are no any patients sent there yesterday due to a car accident. Let me check and call few other hospitals. The nurse must have gotten the information incorrectly.”

I am also calling Cindy to help us search and track Ruby and Kevin. Both of us are scared that something might happen to them. After calling almost all the hospitals in Jakarta, they are still no news about Ruby and Kevin. We even go back to Medistra three times and few other hospitals to check them one by one at least two times.

We are back at Ruby’s house. It’s now already in the morning. They have been missing for more than 24 hours. I wonder that we should start reporting to the police.

“Rud, should we call the police instead?” asks me to Rudy.

“I don’t know. I don’t want her parents to worry. I am afraid that her father will have a heart attack. If they are still missing by tomorrow, we should even tell a lie to cover up where they are.”

I know that Rudy is right. We don’t want to add another problem to Ruby’s parents. I keep calling Cindy every one hour and ask her if they are any developments from Ruby or Kevin.

“I will go and try to look at the big hospitals again. You should wait here. Please call me immediately should they are back.”

Rudy nods his head. I am asking my drivers to drive and go to the big hospitals again. I even go to the emergency room and ask the doctors myself. None of them have recalled seeing Ruby or Kev. I tried to show the reception, the doctors and also the nurses their picture. Now, I am really afraid that something bad has really happened to both of them.

I am reaching Ruby’s home at around 11.00 PM. Rudy is still sitting in front of the main door. I know that by seeing his expression, Ruby and Kev have not come back.

Rudy is standing and I am shaking my head to let him know that I also can’t find Ruby and Kev yet. He suddenly says

“Maybe we should go back to the hill and digs out some more information. We can also go to the damn clinic to ask again.”

I am nodding my head. I agree that this is the last hope we have. Rudy tells me that he will come alone tomorrow where I can stay at the house hoping that Kev and Ruby would come home.

I am waiting until 11.00 PM at night the next day. I am waiting for Rudy to come back and share me the news. I can hear the sound of his car outside the house. I am running outside to greet him as quick as I can.

“How was it? Did you find them?” I ask Rudy right away. He is just getting out from the car.

“I didn’t find any credible information. It’s like both of them have disappeared from the earth. I asked the local people there. I even tried to bribe them with some money. They only gave me the same information we already knew. I think we should start reporting both of them to the police.”

We go to the Polda Metro Jaya. We are reporting about two missing people. We also have no choice other than calling her parents to let them know that Ruby has been missing for two days. The police will eventually pay the family a visit and conduct an interview about any missing person. Kev is an orphan. June and I are recorded as his only family as we are living under the same roof in Sydney. We both leave of our number ask them to call us right away should there’s any update news.

On the way from the police station to her house, Rudy suddenly gives me a question.

“Do you think that both of them are hiding from us intentionally?”

I am staring at Rudy and feeling afraid that it’s the truth. Rudy is an observant guy. I am sure that he has his reasonable views to analyze the situation that way. I give him my honest answer

“Now, I really don’t know. But, I trust Ruby. She wouldn’t run away with Kevin without giving us any prior notice. She knows that we would worry sick about her.”

“It’s not Ruby I don’t trust. It’s Kevin.” says Rudy.

I don’t understand why Rudy thinks about Kev that way.

“I have been friends with Kev for many years. He wouldn’t just kidnap her!”

We don’t speak with one another until half an hour later. Suddenly, Rudy says

“You probably haven’t noticed that Kevin’s crazy about her. He really loves her more than you can even imagine. I don’t think he would step back his feeling for you anymore.”

I know that Rudy’s right. This is what frightens me the most as well. I don’t want to have fight over a girl with my best friend. Knowing Kev from before, he would forfeit right away.

I am also willing to step back from any girls he feels attracted to. But right now, the situation is different. The girl is Ruby. We are both in love with her even though it means that we have to lose the only best friend we have. Rudy cuts my mind by asking

“Have you called your cousin or all of her co workers?”

I am shaking my head. I realize that I haven’t called Amy or two of her other best friends. I know that Ruby is also close with them. They were the one who made her to go to Sydney.

“Hallo! Amy? Has Ruby given you a contact nowadays?”

“No!” she answers directly

“Do you know where she might be at the moment?”

“I am not sure but you can ask Lily. She has been staying at my place. She said that she doesn’t want to live alone in a hotel.” says Amy

“Ok! Can we meet now? Where are you?”

I am very curious why Lily is coming from Sydney without informing me or Kev earlier. I am telling Rudy about our conversation on the phone. I also inform Rudy that Lily is in fact Kev’s girlfriend. Amy asked me to meet up at her place. She lives in Residence 8 Apartment, Jakarta. She buzzes us in and we are now already sitting at her apartment. Lily is already sitting on the couch.

“Hi Ly! Why didn’t you tell me that you are coming to Jakarta?”

“I thought Kev has told you that I came two days ago.” Says Lily

“No, he didn’t tell me. By the way Ly, this is Rudy. He is a friend of me and Kevin as well.”

Rudy is shaking her hand. His expression is still as cold as the iceberg on the North Pole. I just realize that he never really smiles to anyone except to Ruby. Amy gets us two glasses of water and then Lily hands me a letter. She says

“I think that you guys should know about this.”

I am reading the letter Ruby wrote for Kev. My hand is shaking. I am showing Rudy the letter and ask

“Is this Ruby’s hand writing? She gave me a letter two years ago but I don’t want to scare myself.”

Rudy takes the letter and then reading it very fast. His tears are coming down from his eyes. He is squeezing the letter and says

“She couldn’t do this to me. She couldn’t leave me like this. She didn’t even write me a letter. I know that this is my punishment. She punished me because I left her twice.”

Rudy’s expression is really horrific. He is saying

“She didn’t even leave me anything, not a single word written on a paper! She didn’t even care to say good bye and explain her decision to me! I mean nothing to her.”

I am putting my hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, he screams at Lily.

“I thought that you are Kevin’s girlfriend. Why did you let your boyfriend close with another girl? Why did you let such things happen? Why did you let Kevin taking care of Ruby?”

I am looking at both of them. Lily is crying as well and she finally says

“I didn’t know. I thought that Kev only came to Indonesia to help Chris. I thought it was something to do with work. I didn’t know until I called Ruby three days ago. I also just found out that Ruby’s husband has been passed away for a year and Kev was the one who took care of her all along.”

I know that Rudy shouldn’t blame Lily for this. She is also a victim. I am putting my arms around Lily to calm her emotion down. I know that she was ill with a blood cancer. We shouldn’t cause anything to affect her health. Lily continues to explain

“But I know that Kev has loved her all these years although he didn’t admit. He broke up with me two days ago and told me that he has fallen with somebody else. He told me that he loves her to the point that he doesn’t want to live his life without her. He left me alone in Ruby’s room. Amy picked me up. I am also hurt. Kev dumped me in less than one hour after my plane landed.”

Rudy is able to calm his emotion after hearing Lily’s explanation. He finally consoles Lily and says

“Sometimes in life, we cannot control our feelings. I am sure that Kev didn’t mean to hurt you like that. It’s just Ruby was way more important to him because it’s a matter of life and death. We cannot blame him for abandoning you. We just have to blame the cruel fate and wrong timing. Now, even both of them are missing. We don’t even know whether they both survive the tragedy.”

Rudy and I tell everything we know about the car accident. We tell Amy and Lily that last news we heard was Ruby tried to drown herself to the lake. Amy finally gives us her first response.

“Ruby was trying to kill herself because she wanted to free all of you from her. She wanted you guys to live your life with no burden. We all know that she has been living in hell since Anthony passed away on their wedding day. She tried to survive because you guys always visit her whenever you can. I would probably do the same thing if I were in her shoes knowing that I cannot repay your kindness. If I cannot give the love you always wanted, I’d rather leave the world and let you living in peace.”

Out of a sudden, Rudy hits Amy’s table and says

“She can choose to end her life but it doesn’t mean that she could ask me to live my life without her. She’s not a burden; she is my most valuable treasure. She just couldn’t! I read her letter. Kev told her that if she jumps, he will jump as well. She didn’t even know that for me, if she jumps, I wouldn’t even have the strength to jump with her because I am already death! She is the air that I breathe!!!”

Amy replies Rudy by saying

“You know that she can’t have all three of you. She has to choose either one or even none of you. What would you feel if she is choosing Kevin or Christian instead of you?”

Rudy looks at her and says

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t be able to accept it. It’s different when I saw her with Anthony. I know that Anthony really deserved to have her. He knows her since forever. He has taken care of her for his whole life. He was the best guy to be around her. I know that I am nothing compare to him. But, with Kevin or Christian, I don’t think that they love her as much as I do. They certainly don’t need her as much as I do and they don’t know her longer as well. I would never give her up to any of them.”

I am looking at Rudy and says

“You have no idea how much she means to me. If you know, you wouldn’t say such a thing! She is the first girl that I truly love. I’ve got a strong feeling that she would be the last as well.”

We are all quiet for a while. Finally, Lily says

“It’s not a matter of who loves her the most but who will she love and choose at the end. I am sure by reading her letter; you guys would know that Kev means more to her compare than the two of you. I am willing to give up on Kev because I know that he doesn’t love me now. Why you two couldn’t accept the fact that she doesn’t love you?”

Rudy finally says what’s exactly on my mind

“Because I used to have her and she used to love me very much. It’s only because of my stupid mistake caused me to lose her. I won’t let it happen again. I don’t want to lose her again, not until I put up my last fight.”

Deep down in my heart, there is a voice who says “What if she was never ours to have?”

Two years later

Part 2: Living in hell (Rudy)

rudy A

I have been living like a robot for the past two years. I always do the same routine over and over again. I always come the earliest to the office and go home at the latest. I have been given a promotion as IT Head six months ago. I am no longer representing IBM now. Today, I am already a permanent staff at Wong Corporation. I have rejected a lot of job offers from other great multinational companies. Some of them have even offered me a job in Singapore or other developed countries. I would have accepted them in the past but now, I have a different goal. I am still waiting for Ruby to come back.

Ruby’s mother, Aunt Julie still contacts me very frequently to swap any news about her. We both believe that Ruby is still alive somewhere. My relationship with Christian hasn’t changed to become closer for the past two years. I always maintain my distance to anyone else besides Ruby; especially Christian is my love rival.

On the other hand, I really must admit. Maybe, if we don’t love the same girl, we probably can start to grow our friendship. Christian is a fun guy. He can always lighten up the atmosphere. We are yin and yang. I am like the cold moon where as Chris is more like a warm sun. Everyone will prefer to be around him instead of me. He has lots of friends around the world where I have none.

My office phone is ringing. It turns out that Cindy asks me to go PD Wong office room. I am shutting down my laptop because I know that the meeting could last for hours. PD Wong has been ill since few months ago. Cindy said that she has a lung cancer which already at the final stage. Since she was ill, Chris and her sister May have been taking care of the company quiet well. May is way more capable than Chris. She is very sharp. However, I have to say that her work ethic sometimes is too straight forward for the Indonesian culture. Most of the senior staffs here don’t get along with her very much. Their youngest sister June, is similar with me in so many ways. She is an observer. She doesn’t talk much but I know that she is gathering all data around her to make her own analysis. She often comes to my room and asks me about Ruby. I can see that she cares a great deal about her.

There is no one single morning I can erase my longing for Ruby. I miss her more and more every day. I don’t know where she is at the moment but I am pretty sure that she is still alive. I left her for two years when I took a job in Germany. Maybe, she is also punishing me with the same period. I really hope that after two years, I finally able to have her again in my life.

I am knocking the PD’s room. It turns out that it’s Cindy who opens the door for me. Christian, May and June are already sitting on the long couch. I am also sitting next to Christian and then wait for Cindy or PD Wong to make their announcement.

“PD Wong just passed away thirty minutes ago in Singapore.” says Cindy.

May and June are crying out loud. Chris and Cindy are trying to console both of them. I just wait another announcement Cindy’s trying to make. I really know how they feel. I lost my mother a year ago due to sickness as well. But, I really don’t know how to cheer them up as I am not their closest relative.

After a half an hour, finally Cindy asks us to remain calm. She says

“PD Wong has 52% shares in the company. 10% is under Mr. Wong and the other 38% are in other minor stock holders. She has written a death will which already legalize by the lawyers as well. She is giving the four of you each 13% of the share. The house in Jakarta is for May, the pent house in Sydney is for Christian. June gets the villa in Paris while Rudy is given a sum of money of USD 2.000.000. All other bank accounts under her name are also divided between the four of you.”

I am feeling shock at the moment. Did she say the four of us? She must be joking!

Chris finally says what’s on my mind.

“The four of us? Cindy? What are you talking about?”

Cindy answers everybody’s question clearly.

“There is something that she hasn’t had a change to tell you all. Rudy is her birth son from her first husband. This is the DNA result which we already asked the hospital when all employees need to participate in our yearly MCU. She’s been hiding this all her life. She hopes that the four of you can get along very well and continue to run the company. As you know, your father never cares about the company and your mom. I already called him before I set this meeting with all of you. He already got a copied of her death will. He said that he will even put this matter to court. He insists that Chris and Rudy should not get any shares of the company since both of you are not his biological sons.”

I am looking at Christian. He looks just as shock as I am. He says

“I am not my father’s son? Is this for real?”

Cindy nods her head. May and June are just sitting there quietly. Both of them only wait for Cindy to explain everything.

“Chris and Rudy have the same biological father which is Mr. Liem. Your mother and he divorced a month before she was getting married with Mr. Wong. June and May have Mr. Simon Wong as their biological father. All four of you have the same biological mother.”

I begin to make a question to Cindy. I don’t want to get involved in the seizure of property.

“This company is under Mr. Wong’s family right? I am not his son so I am not even the legal to inherit their family business. I also don’t want to get involved in any of this. My surname is Liem, not Wong. I would never change mine to Wong. ”

Cindy replies

“No. This company is under Mrs. Betty Wong’s family. Betty Wong’s father is the rightful owner of this company since they helped the company during the financial crisis. He then inherited the business to Mrs. Betty Wong. That’s why Mrs. Wong has the bigger share compare to Mr. Wong. Now, the situation is a bit complicated. Apparently that Mrs. Wong has signed an agreement with Mr. Wong to only inherit her shares to her daughters when Chris was made GM three years ago. Even though her will is stronger than the agreement, we need to take any legal precaution.”

June suddenly begins to ask her first question since the meeting.

“Why is the death will is stronger than the agreement?”

“It’s because the death will was legalized by the lawyer where the agreement did not.”

Chris finally shouts “I don’t care about the company share. June and May can have all them if they want to. I already have enough savings of my own which could last for three generations.”

I agree with Chris. I am also replying everyone.

“I also don’t care about this company share. I can sign a letter immediately to forfeit and reject her will. June, May or Chris can have my shares and the money. It’s never mine to have. I only have one mother and her name is Lisa. She already passed away last year and she loves me so much.”

“There is one more thing. PD Wong has appointed Christian to take her position as President Director. May will be the deputy and Rudy will be appointed as the new General Manager effective immediately. The BOD will set up an emergency meeting later today at 02.00 PM.” says Cindy

All of them are looking at me. Cindy doesn’t say anything although she seems that she wants to talk to me in person. Out of a sudden, May stands up and says

“We will do as mom said. We will obey her will. Cindy, I want to make a consultation with all the top lawyers in the country. Please also invite our company’s lawyer to my office now. I will also make a consultation with my professors in USA. Berkeley has many great law professors.”

We dismiss our meeting and Cindy asks me to stay back. She is crying and says “She left this for you.”

It is a very heavy box. I carry and bring it to my office. I open them. They are many photo albums of me when I was a baby. PD Wong used to carry me and they are lots of picture with her and my father. He also collects the picture of my birthdays every year. They are pictures of me when I was in elementary school, junior high school, senior high school even at the university. I didn’t remember that I took this picture before. Most of the pictures were taken from a distant.

There is one album consists of the copy of my all school certificates and all achievements. She even collects everything about my career development from the newspaper and also from all my previous companies. They are toys which I used to play. I remember this red miniature car. I used to carry this all the time. Finally, there is an envelope. It turns out it’s the letter she wrote from me.

Dear my son,

Forgive me for leaving you without telling you the truth that I am your birth mother. It’s really hard for me to not be able calling you my son for whole my life. When your mother was badly ill, she asked me not to tell you to the truth. She’s afraid that you couldn’t bear to accept the fact.

I only loved one man in my life and that’s your father. We were forced to get a divorce because my parents want me to marry Wong. I was pregnant with Christian at the time. Forgive me for not having courage like you to choose the one I love and cancel the wedding like you did with Anna. Forgive me that I had to leave you with your father and couldn’t raise you by myself.

I know that you won’t love me as your mother but I can only hope that you can start to love Chris, May and June as your brother and sisters. They are really good kids. Christian and May are happy kids while June and you are more like me. We always hide ourselves and pretend to act cold and ruthless amongst others while our hearts are actually burning.

My son, I really hope that you can start warming your heart and willing to live harmoniously with your siblings. I know that they will accept and welcome you to the family.

No matter what happens, please don’t give up your company shares to anyone. It belongs to you and it’s my last hope that you can help Christian and May to manage the company. Please use the shares to vote Christian as the President Director.

My son, they are more complicated intrigues than you know about this company. I know that all other share holders will give Christian a hard time and force him to step out from the PD position as my successor. I have appointed Christian to sit in my position with your help as Deputy. Please help him to run this company with integrity and passion. Thousands of employees depends their lives from our company to make a living. All of us need your help, especially Christian. He needs someone he could trust to support him as he is still raw in running the business.

My son, I am really sad that we haven’t been able to find Ruby and Kevin. I thought that Kevin could stay by Christian’s side as his right hand. I know that all three of you love the same person. Whoever Ruby will choose at the end, I hope that it won’t affect your relationship with your brother. I can only give you my blessing to both of you and choosing your own mate.

My son, don’t live the same life I did. Don’t marry someone you never love. I have been living with regrets for everyday since I left both of you and your father. Good bye and I sincerely hope that you can forgive all my mistakes in the past. Please believe that I really love you for all my life.



I couldn’t help to shade my tears reading the letter from my biological mother. I don’t know why but I could feel that she truly loves me. She even collects everything from my childhood. I decide to fulfill her wish by making Christian the rightful heir to inherit the President Director position. I am calling Chris, May and June to come to my office immediately.

The four of us unite to vote Christian as the upcoming PD. We have more than 50% of the share. Thus, they will have to listen to us at the end. I am showing PD Wong’s letter to all of them.

Chris cries when he reads the letter. He says

“Now, I know why dad never loves me. I am not his son. I thought because I always did things as I wished. It turns out it’s so much bigger than that.”

May starts to call the company lawyer, Jason to come to our office as well. He says that there shouldn’t be a problem even though Mr. Wong is showing the previous agreement. What we have is a lot stronger. We have the DNA result and also the legalized letter from international lawyers.

At 02.00 PM, we come in to stake holder’s meeting. It finally ends at 05.00 PM. The meeting was brutal. Mr. Wong debated us through a video conference for more than one hour. Luckily, May and June are on our side and both of them refused should their father is forcing them to accept all the shares. The meeting ends with giving Christian as the President Director. I was appointed as the Vice President and May has been given a title of the General Manager.

All four of us have another meeting together after everything ends. This time, Cindy joins us. I say

“I already help you everything I could have done. I will help you to run the company. I will try my best to keep you a successful President Director. But, you have to promise me something.”

Chris looks at me and says “What do you want?”

I am looking right at him and says

“I want Ruby. I want you to give her up should we are able to find her”

Christian 2 peter ho

Chris is losing his emotion and trying to punch and hit me. May and June are grabbing him while Cindy tries to grip my hand. Chris screams at me

“Don’t even talk if Ruby is still alive! Even if she’s already dead, I won’t let you to have her. I’d rather lose everything than giving up on her. Do you understand?”

May and June are dragging him to go outside. I know that it’s pointless for him to give up his feelings for her. But I really want to give my final shot. Cindy finally says

“Why do you have to say that? He is your brother. He just lost his mom and so are you. You shouldn’t quarrel with him at this time. We don’t even know that Ruby’s still alive.”

I am turning my head to talk to Cindy and say

“I won’t miss any chance when it comes to Ruby. She is everything to me and I know that she is still alive.”

Cindy says “I need you to go to Surabaya next week and to conduct the open ceremony at our new office. I can’t ask Chris or May to go to Surabaya. They are still mourned. Can you please do that?”

I am nodding my head. I know that everything will change starting from today. However, I just hope that I will find my Ruby back very soon.

Part 3: Our new life (Kevin)

SD 2

Ruby and I have been living in Surabaya for the past two years. I have been hiding her from everyone who knows her. I don’t want her to recall any of her past life and start living in pain. I was really scared when she tried to kill herself. Fortunately, she lost her memory because the accident.

It took months for her to recover from her injury. I rented a small house belong to the local people near the hill. Ruby was cured by a local witchdoctor in the village. I didn’t bring her to any hospitals because I never want Chris and Rudy to find her.

Three months later, I brought her to leave the city and moved far away from Jakarta or her hometown. She can’t meet anyone who can recognize her. I took her to move to Surabaya by not taking any air or train transportation. Any online transportation system is too easy to track. I hired a car and went to Surabaya. I know that Chris or Rudy will investigate any online records under my name or under Ruby’s name. I even lied to Ruby about her name. I told her that she had a different name. Her new name is Livia. It means darling in Dutch.

I took a job in a food and distribution company as a Business Development Manager. Livia is also working as a Recruitment Manager in an insurance company. We have been living our life out of our limited monthly salary. She never recalls about her past memory except that she told me about having the same dream over and over again. It’s the dream when she had the accident. She dreamt that she pushed me away to save me. She told me that the dream has given her more and more insights during the event. Last night, she can even recall that we were drowned together on the lake.

SD 10 SD 20

When she was awaked, I told her a lie that we were lovers and both of us are orphans. We have been dated since she was 17 years old since we met in Sydney together during our studies. We only come back to Jakarta just to spend our holiday. She thought that we had an accident during our vacation in Jakarta. I know that it’s all a big fat lie. But, this is the only thing to keep her alive at that moment. She couldn’t live in fear or out of guilt anymore.

The past two years have been the happiest days of my life. Although we lived in a two small bed room house with no any luxurious facility, I have Ruby beside me. We are planning to get married in few months on her birthday this year. She already said yes when I proposed to her four months ago.

I have been postponed to ask her hand in marriage for only one reason. I am really afraid that she will remember about her past life and finally realize that she never loved me in the first place. We are living under the same roof now but I have been able to maintain my distance with her until today. We are sleeping in a separate room.

Now, I am on my way to get home. Every day, I always want to reach home as soon as I am finish with work knowing that she’s been waiting for me. I open the door using my key and say

“Liv, I am home.”

I can smell her cooks since I open the door. She is shouting in the kitchen and says

“Please take a shower first. Dinner will be served in 30 minutes.”    

I go to the kitchen and see that she is frying my favorite Kung Pao chicken. I hug her from the back and start kissing her neck. I have missed her for the whole day.

SD 18

“What are you doing? I smell bad. Just go and chill for a while.”

“You never smell bad. For me, you always smell as good as any perfumes. I’ve missed you today.”

She turns off the stove and moves around to face me. She says “I’ve missed you too”

She is giving me a quick kiss and starts to act spoilt by gliding her hands on my shoulder. Later on, she kisses me more passionately and says

“You won’t eat any dinner if you keep bothering me like this.”

I am looking at her cute face and says

“Can I eat you instead of the chicken?”

We are looking at each other deeply. She finally pushes me away to go from the kitchen. One of our closest neighbors, always tell me to marry her soon. She says that we are a very romantic couple. I am taking a shower and then dry my hair using a tower. She has put all the food on the table.

“How’s your day at work liv?”

“It’s good. But, we are busier than usual. Our company is handling a new big client at the moment. My superior asked me to recruit more people. I even need to attend the new client’s opening ceremony tomorrow. You know that I always hate to be in the crowd.”

We always chat when we are eating dinner or breakfast. She always tells me everything and so do I. Suddenly, I ask her what has been on my mind for the past two years.

“Liv, if I was not even your boy friend two years ago, will you still love me like today?”

She is eating her chicken and says

“Of course. I would fall in love with you everywhere. You are just too charming!”

I stand up from my chair and hug her neck from the back.

“I am really afraid that someday, you realize that you never love me.”

She is putting down her fork and spoon and asks

“Why do you ask this question all of the sudden? I wouldn’t stop loving you. I only know you in my life. You are my only family.”

There are few tears falling down to my cheek. I know that truthfully, I am not her only family. She still has her parents, her brother. She also has Rudy and Christian. I hug her tighter and say

“For me, you are my only family. I can bear to lose everything but not you.”

I am helping her washing the dishes. Sometimes, I am really sad to look at her hands. She is a piano player and she doesn’t even know that now. Her parents and past boyfriend wouldn’t even let her to touch the dishes. She even washes my clothes with her own hands. Her hands are become rougher and rougher each day. I am washing her hand using the soap and dry them with my towel.

“I am sorry. You have lived your life miserably with me. We both have full time job now. Maybe, we should get a maid to help you around the house.”

She is smiling at me and says

“No. It’s ok! I like taking care of you and our house. You don’t need to get me a help. Don’t say that I live a miserable life. I am living my life happily with you. Your love makes me the happiest girl in the world. Even my coworkers are very jealous with me because I have such a loving boyfriend.”

SD 8

We always clean our house together at night. I am in charge to clean the bathroom and mopping around the house. She is cleaning all the tables and washing our clothes. One thing that cannot change Ruby until now is she never can iron the clothes. I am always laughing when she tries to iron her shirt. She will make it even more crumpled.

We wake up the next morning and head off to work right away. I am helping her to pick up the cloth for the formal opening ceremony. She has that it’s a really important client. I drive her to work every day using the company car. It’s a 2009 Toyota Kijang which I would never drive when I used to work in Sydney. I often check my email address and new messages always come in everyday. It’s either from Rudy, Chris, May, June or even from Lily. I have never replied any of them. I can only hope that they will give up someday and think that Ruby and I are no longer in this world.

Part 4: Seeing a ghost (Rudy)

“My name is Rudy Wong. Currently, I am on a business trip in Surabaya. It’s very nice to meet you.”

I just met the President Director of Astra International. He is staying at the same hotel with me at Bumi Hotel, Surabaya. I just gave him my name card which reads Rudy Wong instead of Rudy Liem. Cindy has taken any necessary precautions to avoid any legal court sue because I am now the Vice President of Wong Corporation. I have also changed my surname legally. I am only willing to do this in order to save the company since it’s my birth mom’s death wish. This is also the only thing I can do for my half brother. I hope that everything in the company will go smoothly from now.

Today, I have to do the cutting ribbon ceremony on behalf of Wong Corporation. I have been avoiding communicating with Christian about Ruby at the office. We talked to each other rarely and it’s always about anything related to work. Both of us have maintained our distant since the fight inside my office before. He is now in charge in handling sales and marketing purchasing and other general activities while I am handling more on the production and technology aspects in our company. May is working under him and June has been working well with me. The limousine driver takes me to the new office. They are already some people lining up to shake my hand.

I am taking the stage to make my speech to all honored guest. We have even invited the Governor and the Mayor in our opening ceremony. I am not used to speak in front of the crowd but I know that I have to get use to it by now.

I am in the middle of my speech and out of the sudden; there is one girl in the third row that attracts me. She really looks like Ruby. She is touching her hair and putting them at the back of her right ear.

Wait the minute! It’s her. It’s my Ruby. I am very sure that it’s her. I stop to talk immediately, going down to the stage and walking towards her. I am looking at her closer. I can see that she her face very clearly now. I hug her tightly and say

“Ruby, where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you.”

SD 6

She is letting go of my hands and says

“Sir, I think you got a wrong person. I am not Ruby. I am Livia.”

I couldn’t understand. She is Ruby. She is the Ruby I have dreamt every day.

“What are you talking about? You are Ruby not Livia. Please don’t make jokes like this.”

Suddenly, there is a man besides her standing and says

“Mr. Wong, she is really Livia. She has been working in my company for more than a year. We are both representing Excel Insurance.”

I am looking at both of them. There is no way that two persons could look exactly the same unless they are twins. I remember correctly that Ruby never has a twin sister.

There is someone who is pulling my right hand and says

“Sir, you need to finish your speech first. We have to cut the ribbon before 10.00 AM. The Governor needs to leave after 10.00 AM.”

I am back to the stage and make an apology to the audience of cutting my speech earlier. I cannot take my eyes from Ruby or the girl who looks awfully lot like her. As soon as I am done with all the run downs, I am approaching her again. Her boss is also beside her. I talk to him

“Can you please leave us for a minute? I need to ask her with something.”

He is not moving and looking at both of us weirdly. I finally say

“I will make a good deal with your company. You can set all the terms and agreements. We will try our best to follow. Now, please give me some privacy with Miss. Livia.”

Ruby or Livia is looking at me. She looks scared.

“Don’t be scared. I just want to ask you about a couple of things.”

She is nodding her head. I bring her to go inside the office building. I hope that no one is around to interrupt us. I start asking her some questions

“Are you originally come from Surabaya or did you come from out of town?”

She doesn’t say yes or no. She is looking at me. I know that she must think that I am out of my mind. I continue to explain to her.

“I am sorry but you look really similar from someone I knew very well in the past. Her name is Ruby and she is very important to me. Please answer my question.”

She is staring at me. She only says

“You are mistaken. I am not Ruby. I am Livia.”

Finally, I ask her another question.

“Do you know someone named Kevin then?”

She is finally willing to answer my question with a high enthusiasm.

“Yes. My fiancé’s name is Kevin. We are getting married in a few months.”

I am feeling shock at the moment. Even if she is not Ruby, how can her fiancé’s name is also Kevin. Coincidence doesn’t happen like this. I am calling Cindy right away and ask him to send me a picture of Kevin immediately.

I am showing his picture to her on my blackberry phone.

“Is this him? Is this your fiancé?”

SD 13

She is nodding happily and asks

“Are you a friend of my fiancé? He never mentions any of his friends before.”

Suddenly, I am gripping her hand hard and says

“Cing, this isn’t funny! Are you out of your mind? Kevin is not supposed to be your fiancé. You never love him. Why didn’t you pretend to not recognize me? I am Rudy.”

She is struggling to let go of my hands and says

“Sir, what are you doing? I don’t recognize you. What are you talking about? I love Kevin very much. I only love him in this world. He is the only family I have. How can you say that I don’t love him?”

“Cing, what are you talking about? He’s not the only family you have. You still have your parents, your brother. You still have me. You still have your friends back in Jakarta. We all have missed you very much. We’ve been looking for you for the past two years.”

She screams “My name is not Cing and certainly not Ruby. I am Livia. I don’t have friends in Jakarta. I have been staying in Surabaya for the last two years. I never go to Jakarta. I never even live there. Please let go of my hands. You are hurting my right hand”

I am letting go of her hands and she is running away from me. I am trying to catch her but she is running very fast. I start to scream at her

“Cing, stop! You can’t run. You have asthma. Please stop. Don’t run to cross the road like this. It’s really dangerous!”

Suddenly, there is a motorcycle hits me on the road. My leg is injured. I cannot stand up. Many people are coming towards me to help me. Ruby is staring at me for a long time. She is pressing her head. She looks dizzy and keeps blinking her eyes. Finally, after a while she is running towards me. She says

“Rud, are you ok? Is your feet ok?”

SD 30

I am looking at her. She seems to be able to recognize me just now. I am gripping her hand smiling happily and say

“Cing, you did remember me. You know that I am Rudy. I used to hit by a motorcycle when we used to date. It’s almost the same scenario as right now. We were fighting back then. How can you forget about me?”

She is putting both of her hands on her head and says

“I don’t know. My head hurts. It really hurts.”

Out of the sudden, she is passing out in front of me.

A little peak to the story (Ruby Go!)


SD 23

I am walking fast towards the kitchen and hug her tightly from the back. I whisper in her right ear

Darling, if loving you was wrong then I never want to be right. Please let me hug you for a while. I am really afraid of losing you in my life right now. I’m so lucky to have fallen in love with you. You’ve changed my life more than I could have asked for. I know that you didn’t remember anything other than the last two years we have shared together. But for me, I have known you my whole life and I know that you are the only thing I want in my life. I’m insanely attracted to you.

She is caressing my hands which still tightened her waist. She says

“Kev, I don’t need the other twenty age years of my life. The past two years of my life have been enough. For me all it takes is 1 you to bring back 1,000 memories. I don’t need my old memory from another person. I only can pray that you and I will end up together.”

SD 39

I am turning Ruby’s body in order for her to look at me. Both of our eyes are filled with tears. I dried her eyes, as she wiped mines, and asked me cautiously to come inside. Right now, I am really scared to lose her and many future possibilities. I don’t want to dream of having her anymore. I want her for real. I am moving my face closer to kiss her mouth. I want to kiss her as if this will be our last kiss. I am kissing her very passionately and fervently. My feelings are burning inside. I want her! I really want to have her. She is mine, she is only mine and I don’t want to share her with anyone.

SD 37

She is responding to my kiss just as passionate as the way I kiss her lip. It is first time for us to kiss like this since two years ago on the night I got drunk and lost control. Back then, I can only dream that she is willing to do it with me and not imagining somebody else. Now, my dream is coming true.

We reach the dining room while all our clothes were hitting the floor. It seems like we met in our lives before, I said I’ll make you mines if you make me yours. We start to move out from the kitchen and make a stop at the dining table. She is leaning her body on the table as we are still kissing each other. We are moving to my bedroom which is the closest distant to the dining table.

I put her on my bed gently. We look at each other for a second. She said she will kiss me slowly then made me promise not to leave her lonely. As I kissed her lips and rubbed her thighs I seen seduction in her eyes, saying don’t you run, don’t you hide, I know exactly where exactly where is your heart. We reached the bed, as her legs spread; I kissed from her feet all the way up to her forehead. Her skin is so soft and white. I really like to look at her face over and over again. I never want to close my eyes and miss the opportunity to see her facial expression for even a split second. I can’t believe that I can love anyone this much. I love her more than my own life.

SD 40

I am moving to start kissing her fingers, her hand palm and make a stop at our engagement ring on her beautiful finger. I want to let her know that I have committed myself to spend the rest of my life with her. I move again to kiss her lip with my eyes still open. This time, I don’t want our intimacy to end. This time, let me be selfish and not care about anything else. This time, I really really want her. We are both pressing our hands and bodies against each other. I can hear that she starts to moan.

We stop kissing after a while and look deeply into each other’s eyes. She says

“Kev, I love you.”

I reply “I love you too, with all my heart. I wanna be your last kiss, last love, and last everything.”

We continue to kiss, fondle and make love until the night is out.

I open my eyes in the morning and I am very happy to see the most beautiful girl sleeping beside me. Her face is smiling. I remember every single detail when I held her in my arms last night. Ruby is finally mine. Her body, her soul and her heart; are all mine.

I am thinking hard and wonder whether I did the right thing by having her last night. I can feel that both of us love each other very much but I am not sure that she will still love me should she gains her memory back. Part of me is feeling guilty where the other part is grateful to have her as my future wife. I never slept with anyone before, not even Lily. For me, sleeping together is only with one person for the rest of my life.

SD 17