Episode 18: A Life Choice (Ruby)

Part 1: A Fight

Kevin doesn’t look happy at all when I said “We need to talk”. He looks abysmal. He replies back

“It’s okay. You can take a shower first before we talk. You look tired.”

I am walking towards him and sit on the couch beside him. I start to speak out what I have been feelings for the past few weeks.

“Kev, I already knew the truth since few days ago. I chose to ignore them because I love you too much. However, the more I ignored them, the clearer everything was fallen into place and I cannot choose to be blind and avoid all the bitter facts. I actually saw the fight you had with Rudy, I have dreamt about many of my past memories. I have also found out about Anthony even though I am still not clear about him. The worst thing for me is knowing that you have been deceived me all along. It turns out that we were not lovers in the past. I don’t understand… How could you do this to me?”

I couldn’t continue to talk more as tears are beginning to fall down my cheek. I don’t know what to do. Our love is real but I can’t continue to live in denial. If Rudy was right, I shouldn’t be together with Kev in the first place. Kevin hasn’t said anything yet. He just looks at me and says nothing. I continue to raise my voice

“Kev, what strikes me the most is why did you tell me that I am an orphan? Both of my parents are still alive and you have kept them away from me. Do you have any idea how I would feel to know that I still have my parents? It’s bad enough that I don’t remember them let alone living for the past two years as if they were already dead.”

I am crying even harder and he is reaching and trying to hug me. He says

“Liv, don’t cry… I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please….”

I am pushing him away from me. My emotion is bursting out even more. He still even calls me with my fake name. I don’t want to be someone’s doll anymore, I want to be myself. I am Ruby.

“Don’t call me Liv! It’s never my name. You told me my name’s Livia where in fact my real name is Ruby. Kev, I tried to see it from your perspective; I have tried not to judge you from all of this. I have given you a chance to explain your reasons to me. But, you never have the courtesy to tell me the truth!!! Why did you lie to me?”

Kev replies “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just want you to be happy. It’s better for you not knowing about the truth. You will be happier that way.”

I can stand it. Until now, Kevin still excused his lie on behalf of my happiness. Even if it was all true, I should be the decision maker of my life not anybody else. I continue to scream while crying

“No! I don’t think I want to wait anymore. Please Kev, for once tell me the truth..”

Kev finally opens his mouth and says

“Okay! If you must know, I didn’t just lie to you. I made so many mistakes beside that! I have broken my promise to a dying person, I had deceived my only best friend in the entire world, and I have even ignored my conscience by hiding you from everyone. I told you that we were lovers where we were never been more than friends before you lost your memory. That’s the truth!”

We don’t speak another word for a while. After a few minutes, I ask “Why?”

“It’s because I fell in love with you in a hard way. It’s a love that I never knew existed in this cruel world. I love you so much Ruby and until this very minute I really want you to be my wife forever. I am so selfish even right now I want to tell you that I won’t let go of you under any circumstances. You are the only one I won’t choose to live my life without.

I raise my voice again and say “Is this the way you love somebody Kev? By deceiving her?”

“Please, let me explain to you from the beginning.” Replies Kev.

After standing up, I choose to sit again and say calmly “Okay! You have 10 minutes.”

“I have fallen in love with you since you were only 16 but you had Roy, your first boyfriend. After a while, he left you because of your family were broke. You were so sad and I came over to Indonesia to make a move on you. However, you already had someone who loves you more than anything in the world. It’s Anthony, your playmate since you were even born. How can I compete myself with him? He loved you even he’s willing to put every aspects of his life on hold for you. I didn’t love you as much as he did back then. Later on, I came back to Sydney and was in a relationship with someone else named Lily. We lost contact for a few years when she left me due to her illness.”

He continues to tell his story

“Three years ago, you came again into my life. I didn’t have a strong feeling when you first came to Sydney. I adored you but my heart was still broken because Lily left me with Roy. My heart was full of hatred. You began to slowly fall in love with my best friend named Christian. I helped the two of you a lot to admit both of your feelings. I thought that the two of you could heal your heart by having each other. I thought Chris could give you a better life because you were hurt badly when Rudy left you. Rudy was your second boyfriend and probably the first mature relationship you ever had. You were so in love with Rudy. When he left you to Germany or even got your heart broken to pieces because he wanted to marry someone else, you were running away from the reality.”

“I think that was the reason you came to Sydney in the first place. I have known Chris for many years because he’s the only best friend I have. Chris was a spoilt, play boy, and even childish but I saw with my own eyes how you turned him into a man. On the other way, Chris was also able to heal your broken heart. The uptight girl who rarely made a joke can finally able to laugh again. Back then, you were very cautious to open up your heart. But, Christian healed your heart slowly. Because of you, I also found out that Lily left me to sacrifice herself for my happiness. I chased her back and tried to hide my feelings for you even though I had started to like you very much. We lived together for a couple of months and you made me in love with you slowly but in a way that I could never love someone other than you ever again.”

I am listening to him attentively as I really want to know what happened next.

“You came back to Indonesia because your father was ill. You were already in a relationship with Christian. The two of you opened up your feelings on the day you were leaving. However, everything had to change when Anthony was ill. You decided to leave Christian for Anthony.”

“After a while, you even realized that you have loved Anthony all these years, a love that is more than just a play mate or brothers. I can’t describe the relationship between you and Anthony in words. The bottom line, you two couldn’t survive without one another. You love each other deeply so deep that I couldn’t think that one of you can live without each other. After he died, you chose to end your life even though I tried to change you for a year. I failed and finally got you hit by a car. When you lost your memory, I thought it was a good chance for you to re start your life. I want you to be happy again. I don’t want to see you live your life in depression and mourn every single day.”

I cannot express my words. I just sit tight and don’t know how to react to his explanation. The thing is I don’t know how much I love Anthony, Rudy, Christian or even the other guy. The only person I know is Kevin. I have no recollections of them. I may have remembered some things about Rudy but it’s nothing compare to what we have spent with each other for the last two years.

Who do I love truly? Even if I recall back my memory, I am not sure that I know which guy I love the most. It seems that I have had a deep relationship with most of them. What should I do? I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt any of them, especially Kevin. What if I regain my memory and find out that I don’t love Kev at all. He would even feel more devastated.

“Kev, I think I want us to live separately. You can stay here. I will try to look for another place to live temporarily in Surabaya. After my job’s done here, I will move back to Jakarta to find out who I really am. I hope that you can support my decision.”

Kevin looks at me, takes my hand, hugs me tightly and says

“Honey, did you remember about that night? You said that it only takes 1 me to bring out 1000 memories. How come that you have to change now? You said that everyone else doesn’t matter much beside me. You said that you don’t need to remember your past. You also made a promise that you will forgive me no matter what. Why did you still choose to leave me? We have spent a night together; we have committed to get married in a few months. Does it really have to change?”

Suddenly, I am feeling hurt. I even start to think whether he had tricked me to sleep together because he was afraid of losing me to Rudy. Did he do that to keep me at his side when I find out about the truth? I thought we did that because we truly love each other. How can he think that I haven’t forgiven him?”

I have forgiven him! I am now choosing to move out and making a distant with him because I am afraid that he might get hurt if it turns out that I never love him once I regain my memory back. I try to speak calmly but my voice tends to rise again. I need to know why we slept together that night. That night was very important to me.

“Kev, why did you choose that night to make love with me that particular night? We’ve been living together for the past two years but you never made a move before even though you had plenty of opportunities. Tell me honestly. Why did you choose that night specifically?”

Kev just sits tight and doesn’t say a word. He looks confuse. Finally he says

“What do you mean by saying it specifically?”

I am losing my patient and probe

“Is it because you met Rudy earlier in the afternoon? Was it the reason why you chose to consummate me that night?”

He is shaking his head and tries to touch my face with both of his hand. I continue to yell

“Were you afraid that I would remember anything about Rudy so you chose to have me first? Was it like that? Tell me honestly Kev. For this, I couldn’t bear to know nothing but the truth!”

Kev kneels in front of me while I am sitting on the couch. He says

“Of course not! Why did you think that way? No! I did that with you because I love you so much. I wouldn’t just trick you and get you into bed. I would never sleep with strangers. I haven’t even slept with Lily before even though we were in a relationship for few years. You are my first and my last.”

I am asking him again “Then, why did it have to be that night?”

Kevin whispers slowly

“I am sorry. I might have scared because Rudy was interfering with our lives. My fear may have driven me to have you completely. But Rub, you need to know that everything I did, I do and I will do in the future, they are all because I love you so much, nothing else. I know that you are very angry at the moment but please believe me that my love for you is always real! If I can turn back time, I wouldn’t have done it any differently. We did it because we love each other very much!”

Finally, I am responding to what Kev by saying

“Kev, if this is how you will love me, maybe I don’t want it anymore. I cannot continue living my life like this. I saw Rudy and how he has suffered because you have hid me from him. I am not sure whether my family has also been dealing with the same grief. Now, I even want to go back to Jakarta as soon as possible. I want see everyone who has loved me. I want to live my old life again. I know that this is not who I really am.”

Kevin stands up. He looks very angry. He grabs my hand and says

“So, who is the real you? The depressing you, the mourning you? Tell me Rub! Is this just a reason because you want to get back together with the love of our life? I know that you have fallen for Rudy during the past few days. I saw you’re the way you looked at him. You cared for him! Rudy is living next door now. Maybe, you should move in there and live together with him. Don’t make an excuse that you want to see your family instead. Isn’t living together with Rudy is what you really want?”

I am looking at him in the eye. The last words he just said really hurt my heart badly. It’s like having a knife stabs right into my heart. I can’t believe that my Kevin has the heart to say stuffs like this. I want to make him upset by saying yes but I am afraid to lose him. I can’t even start to hate him. Why is it so hard to make a distant with Kev? I Maybe it’s for a fact that for the past two years, we were all each other have. But, how could he say something like that? I have lived in denial for him and even though I found out about the truth earlier, I still chose to be with him. My tears start to fall down again and this time is a tear of pain. He has hurt me officially.

I look at him and finally say my decision slowly

“If that’s what you want, fine! I will move now and ask Rudy to bring me back to Jakarta. I will pack my things and leave first thing in the morning. If you think of me that way, then I shall leave soon.”

I am walking fast towards my room and suddenly Kevin is running towards me and hugs me tightly from behind. He says

“Ruby, please… I am sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. Don’t keep me away from you. I love you… If you want to go back to Jakarta, let me accompany you. I love you so much… I am sorry…. Anything you want but please… don’t go alone…”

I let go of his hand and say coldly to him for the very first time.

“Kev, love is made by trust, respect, and caring. I don’t know whether I can trust you at this point. I cannot live my life happily with you while knowing that others live their life miserably because of my choice. I have heard you loud and clear before. I know what you truly think of me. Maybe we should take a break.”

He hugs me tighter and says

Please…  I am sorry. I lost control of myself. I cannot lose you… I don’t want to take a break… Honey, when you think you’re not happy with your life, always thinks that someone is happy simply because you exist. That someone is me.”

The tears keep falling down to my cheek. I can feel his despair. I really want to stay and continue to live my happy life with him and not caring about anyone else. But, I know that I have to be strong. I cannot keep hurting anybody else who also loves me like Rudy. I need to repay their kindness. What about my parents? They might live in such a pain, waiting that their daughter to come home. Maybe this fight happens for a good reason. I know we are both hurt but I cannot choose to be this selfish. Deep inside my heart, I really want to kiss him and say that he is the only one I need but that won’t be the right thing to do. I have to lie to Kev for the first time. I need to make him suspect that he had made me angry by asking me to live with Rudy.

I am wiping my tears and turn my body around to look coldly into his eyes

“Sorry, I will go back to Jakarta as soon as possible. Please don’t ask me to stay because it will only make everything harder than it already is. I just want you to know that it hurts my feeling when you said that the real I may want to move and live together with Rudy instead of you. You made everything that I have been through to seem worthless. Maybe you were right! Maybe Rudy was really the love of my life. Kev, I can’t stand that for a fact you made a mistake and now you even blame me for it. Please make some distance with me first. I want to find out who I really am.”

He runs towards me, hugs me and whispers

“Rub, do you still love me?”

I look at him deeply. I want to say yes out loud but I choose to remain silent and walk away to my room. My heart wants to shout I love you 10.000 times but I choose to keep silent.  

Part 2: A Misunderstanding

I am lying down on my bed and crying hysterically. I am afraid that this is it for me and Kev. I know that I am taking such a hug risk by gambling on our relationship. In my eyes, if our love is meant to be, then it will eventually find a way for us to get back together. Leaving him and be with my family is just something that I have to do. If he truly loves me, I am hoping that he’ll wait for me.

I start to pack up my things into two large suitcases. One suitcase is filled with my cloth and other suitcase is filled with all the stuffs Kevin gave for me. I couldn’t just leave it here. They mean a lot to me.

I couldn’t fall asleep until the very morning. I am looking at my watch and it’s pointed at 07.00 AM. I wonder whether Rudy has feeling any better since yesterday. I am taking a shower and pulling out my two large suitcases with me. If possible, I want to go back to Jakarta and meeting my family today.

I open my bedroom door and see that Kevin’s sleeping on the couch. He must have been here all night. I am gathering all of my bravery to walk out from our apartment. I start walking through the door but couldn’t help myself to leave him without saying good bye. I kneel on the carpet beside the couch, caress his hair and kiss his forehead and mouth. I can see that he is still sleeping. I whisper

“I love you….” 

I am finally able to stand and walk my feet and continue walking. Suddenly, he is blocking my way and standing in front of me. He grabs my hand tightly and says

“Please don’t go! I know that you still love me. Just tell me… How can I make you stay? How can I make you to forgive what I have done to you? Please…. Just stay… ”

I am looking at the man I love the most. My walls are starting to crumble. I couldn’t make another defensive action to walk away from him. I am standing still. Through his eyes, I can sense that he’s begging me to stay. I finally talk to him after a few minutes of silence

“I am sorry but I have to go. There’s nothing you can do to make me stay.”

He replies “Tell me your real reason to leave me…. Is this because you are touched by what Rudy has done for you? Is he your real reason to leave? Tell me yes and I will let you go.”

I want to turn my body around and say no. I want to let him know that he’s the only one I love in my heart. No, Rudy is never my reason to leave. I can see Rudy’s pain, I am truly touched for everything but the reason I leave is to see my family.

Out of the sudden, I can hear that somebody’s knocking on the door. Kevin lets go of my hand and opens the door. It turns out that it’s Rudy.

He is still wearing his pajama and says

“Cing, I am so worried when I woke up and didn’t see you beside me. I thought that you….”

Rudy is really coming in a bad time. Everything will be so hard to explain clearly right now. I really don’t want to cause any misunderstanding between the three of us. I already have enough problems to deal with the unknown past I haven’t yet to know. Kevin suddenly pulls out Rudy’s collar and says

“Get away from her! I won’t let you take her away from me.”

He starts to punch Rudy in the face. I am pulling out his hands and things are getting out of control. I couldn’t even get him to be civil. Kevin screams

“Why do you have to do this? Why do you always want to take her away from me? Have you done enough to hurt her in the past? I know that I have deceived her by saying that we were lovers but at least I would never leave her like you did before!”

I remember that Rudy is still sick and I don’t want to cause any more pain in his life. Kevin continues to hit Rudy for several times. He doesn’t even fight back. I know that he’s too weak to even stand up. I try again to pull Kevin away from Rudy but his strength is just too strong for me. Finally, I am slapping him in his right face for the very first face. I scream back at Kevin in order to make him stop this brutality.

“Rudy never asks me to leave you. It’s me who wants to leave. Do you understand? I want to see my family; I want to go back to my old life! It’s all my decision, never his”

I know that I must have hurt him badly by slapping his face in front of Rudy. However, I don’t know how to take out the blame from Rudy at this moment. I never saw Kevin reacting this way before. Finally, he looks at my eyes sharply and says

“Honey, I want you to choose. It’s either me or him! If you choose to walk away now, you are walking out of me and it means we are over. I won’t bother you again and you won’t have me in your life ever again. If you choose to go with Rudy, it means that you are choosing him instead of me. Think about it and choose. I won’t force you to stay anymore. I have done enough begging.”

He is craning his hand and when I turn my head to see Rudy, he is also doing the same thing.

Rudy finally says something after Kevin’s ultimatum before.

“All my life, I have waited for you to stay beside me. For the past few weeks, seeing you with Kevin has ripped my heart apart. I miss you, but I’m trying not to care. I love you, but I’m trying not to show. I want you, but what can I do when you are not even mine? Please choose to go with me because everything in my life reminds me of you. You are truly my everything.”

I know that I want to choose Kev but I need to leave him temporarily. But, I need to see my family. Maybe, it’s better to leave Kev with this misunderstanding for a while. I need him to let me go temporarily. If he truly loves me, I can only hope that he is willing to wait for me to come back.

I walk towards Rudy, turn my head to Kev and say

Don’t judge me for my choices when you don’t understand my reasons. I can see why you forced me to choose but it’s not a matter of who do I choose but what do I have to do for now. I just wish that you can understand.”

Rudy is helping me to get my luggage and Kev says his last words to me that day

“I was wrong. I thought that you loved me. I thought our relationship is like Tom and Jerry. No matter how many times we fight, we won’t be apart. It turns out you are choosing the wealthy General Manager instead of the poor fiancé you have loved for the past two years. I was wrong!”

Rudy replies back to Kevin and say

“Don’t you talk about her like that! She’s not what you said she is. If you don’t watch out what you are saying, I won’t hesitate to hurt you.”

Rudy finally tries to punch Kev in the face but he’s too weak.

I shout to the both of them and say “Enough! Both of you, please stop it!”

I am looking deeply to Kevin. Part of me still wants to stay. I turn my head to look at Rudy and reevaluate all the things. Finally, I choose to walk away from Kevin. I don’t dare to look back at Kevin and see his expression. We continue to walk, turn right and finally reach Rudy’s apartment.

Before he can say anything, I want to explain things out clearly with Rudy. I don’t want him to misunderstand with what happened earlier.

“Rud, I want to explain something. I am going with you not because I don’t love Kev anymore and thus, choosing you at the end. It’s never like that. I still love him very much. I just want to see my family and only you can help me to see them. I am sorry if my decision back at the apartment made you misunderstands.”

Rudy is looking back at me and says

“Yes, I know and I don’t care. I am just glad that you are here beside me. When do you want to go back to Jakarta? I can arrange it for you.”

“As soon as possible after you get better of course… I want you to get well first. Rud, can I ask you something?”

“Yes dear… ask away…”

Why you never give up on me after all this time even though I don’t remember who you are?

He replies “Because your smile is the only smiles which can make me to smile back at someone.”

I know that tears are starting to fall down on my cheek. I am feeling sad, touch and desperate at the same time. Why my real life turns out to be so complicated than I have expected?

We spend the day by rarely talking to each other. Rudy has been making a lot of phone calls to the person named Cindy and try to arrange everything in Jakarta. He just told me that he has arranged everything including informing my family about my arrival in Jakarta. We are flying back to Jakarta tomorrow.

To be honest, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kevin. My entire mind is wondering about him. What is he doing at the moment? Is he okay? Does he miss me?

I know that I miss him so much. I have been looking at my phone waiting for him to call me or at least send me a text, but I have received none so far. I still remember when he said that we are over if I chose to walk away from him. My heart is broken. Is this the end of our love story? Is this it?

Tomorrow morning, Rudy is taking me to the airport where I am riding a plane for the first time. He told me that I have been flying a lot before and it shouldn’t be a problem since I don’t have a fear of height. I am following Rudy wherever I go since I am not familiar with all the process. I sent a text to Kev this morning at 05.00 AM letting him know that I am going back to Jakarta today. After a few hours, he still doesn’t send me a reply.

Now is finally a time for us to go to the boarding gate as it’s already last minute. Deep down in my heart, I know that there’s no use to wait for Kev anymore. I already knew this morning that he wouldn’t come. I must have hurt him badly when he thought that I have chosen Rudy over him. If only he believes that my love is only for him. If only if he knew……….. What I truly feel about him. Suddenly, my phone beeps and it turns out that there’s a text message from Kev. It reads

“Ruby, yes… I finally call you with your real name. I have been lying to myself that you can forgive whatever I have done due to our love. I was wrong. Now, I am freeing you to go. At the same time, I am also freeing myself. I contacted my friend Christian to send over my passport to Surabaya. I will go back to my old life in Sydney. Now, everything is fallen back into place. You will be with your friends and family and I will be with mine as well. Everyone already know that you are coming back home and I believe that All of them and Rudy especially will take a great care of you. I am sorry for everything and I hope that you can truly find your happiness with Rudy.”

Part 3: A Fly Away Back Home

I am reading his text message over and over again. I cannot believe that he chose to go back to Sydney and leave me. I can only cry and cry. Why do I have to choose between the man I love and the family who loves me their entire life? This is not fair.

Rudy asked what happened and I couldn’t do anything except to show him the text message. He puts his hand around my shoulder and whispers that I am doing the right thing by coming home.

I spend most of my journey by locking myself inside the plane’s bathroom and crying. The bathroom is unbelievably small which I never would have suspected before. I am still thinking about Kevin and how I don’t want to end things with Kevin. I don’t want him out of my life. God, how can I let him know that I still love him? Even though I am saying it out loud in front of his face, he might not believe after what I did back at the apartment when walking away from him with Rudy. I don’t understand why for him, it’s either him or anyone else. Why can he understand that I can’t just erase all the people in my life?

“Kev, I am sorry.. If only you can understand my heart… It always belongs to you…” says my heart.

I suddenly have a vision about someone who said to me once that “In life, we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve lost, we’ve missed, we’ve hurt, we’ve trusted, we’ve made mistakes, but most of all, we’ve learned. None of us can’t never experience love without enduring pain.”

I wonder who the person is and why I can remember what he said a long time ago.

We finally arrive at Jakarta and I can see that they are already many people waiting for me at the arrival hall. From the pictures Rudy showed to me last night, I can see both of my parents. The old man which looks like my father hugs me tightly and says

“Welcome home. Where have you been? Why didn’t you call us all this time? We have been worried sick about you.”

He’s pointing to the rest of people who also greet me at the airport. This is mom. Beside her is your elder brother, Eason. This is Christian and his secretary, Cindy and also his sister, June. You have stayed with them for a year when you were in Sydney. They have been tried to search for you everywhere. These are your friends; Amy, Matthew and Karen. You have known them for a long time. This is your baby sitter since you were born, this is grandma. You were close to her. She has cried for everyday since you were missing. Last but not least, this is Anthony’s mother.

I am looking at them one by one and I don’t recognize any of them. All of them look like strangers to me. Suddenly, my mom asks me:

“What’s wrong Ruby? Don’t you remember any of us?”

I am shaking my head. Suddenly, there’s a younger man who I think is Christian hugs me tightly. I can’t even breathe. He says enthusiastically

“Rub, I can’t believe when Cindy told me. You are finally here. This is what I have been praying all along. You are really here. God has given me one more chance to be with you. You are here.”

He is hugging me even more tightly. I try to push him away but his grip is too strong. Finally, I am trying to step on one of his foot. He lets go of the hug and I run to stand behind Rudy as soon as possible. The guy named Christian still chased me and says

“Rub, what’s wrong? I won’t hurt you. Why are you scared to see me? I am Christian.”

I am still standing and trying to hind behind Rudy. Rudy finally says

“She doesn’t remember anything in the past except for the last two years of her life which she has spent without any of us. Please give her some space and try not to scare her.”

My mother approaches me and takes my hand. She says

“Let’s go home. We will take you home. Everybody has been worried sick.”

I am looking at Rudy and wonder whether he will accompany me to go home. I know that I am acting childish but he’s the only one I know at the moment. Kevin is no longer here. I know that all of these new people are here for me and perhaps, they loved me in the past. But, I cannot just trust a person within a second. Even with Rudy, it took me a long process for me to believe everything he said.

“Are you coming with me? Will you stay with us?” ask me to Rudy.

Rudy looks back at me and says “Do you wish me to go with you?”

I am looking at him and say “Please….”

He is taking my hand and now we are holding hand in hand. Suddenly, there’s a girl who I remember my mother mentioned to be my best friend pulls away my hand shouts and points her finger directly to Rudy’s face.

“You leave her alone! How dare you hide her from us? You should have told us weeks ago. I won’t let you to come with us. Ruby, this guy has made your life miserable. You missed your chance with Anthony because of him. You got your heart broken because of him. You went on an extreme diet because of him. You operated your face because of him. You even went back to Sydney and met with my cousin because of him. He has made you cried for days. He cheated on you when he went to Germany. He can’t be trust! If you don’t believe me, do ask Matthew. I wish Anthony’s here to tell you everything. You can forget about anyone but you can’t forget about Anthony.”

A guy named Matthew walks towards me and says

“Rub, you have to maintain your distance with Rudy. He has left you twice. He might leave you again in the future. He doesn’t deserve you.”

I am now feeling even more confused. It seems that everybody thinks that I am with Rudy now. Also, everybody seems doesn’t like him at all. I am looking at my mother and I can see that from her expression, she doesn’t expect any of this. I am looking again to all the people, trying to get the slightest memory of them but failed. Why I can only get a flash back when I was with Rudy?

He clearly means more than the rest of the people who have made an effort to welcome me. I remember that I got some vision even on the first day when I met Rudy. He looked so familiar when the rest of them do not get me chills. However, I think I need to point out that I am not with Rudy at the moment to avoid any misunderstanding in the future. I speak my words to the girl.

“Sorry…. But, I think you have misunderstood. Rudy and I are not together. I have been engaged with Kevin. We have lived together for the past two years. You don’t have to worry about Rudy hurting me. It won’t happen because I don’t feel for him that way.”

She pulls my right hand and says

“What did you say? You are with Kevin? How? It’s not possible! No….. He’s not the right guy for you. Did you know they he left his girlfriend when she was ill with cancer? He dumped her on the day she visited Kevin to Indonesia. She stayed for a few days at my place. I know what kind of guy Kevin is. He is a player! Where is he now?”

I know that there are much more important history that I haven’t got from both Kevin and Rudy. They only had told me the important highlights from their points of view.

“Don’t worry. I am a big girl. Even though I still don’t remember what happened earlier, I know who truly loves me and genuine to care for me. I don’t like it when you talked bad thing about my fiancé. You may be my good friend but you shouldn’t judge him as a player.”

She continues to argue “But…..”

I raise my hand to my new friend. I know that I can collect some information from her but I cannot just trust her with verifying the fact.

Christian then speaks up again

“If you insist to bring Rudy to come home with you, then I will also come and join you. I want to protect you. No one can hurt you when I am around.”

A girl who I remember my mother said to be Christian’s sister jumps in into the conversation

“No. It’s not even possible. Don’t forget that you are a President Director now. You have a huge responsible. Our company is already one man short with Rudy’s accompanying Ruby to her home. You should stay in Jakarta instead. I am sure that Rudy will take a good care of Ruby.”

She is turning her head to look at me and say

“Ruby, do you really not remember any of us? Please look at me and try to remember. We used to live together for a year in Sydney. You used to cook for me.”

I am trying to look at Christian and his sister deeply but no flash back so far. I am shaking my head again and she finally whispers something to her secretary. I remember that the girl is in fact the same girl who I saw earlier in Surabaya at night when she visited Rudy.

Cindy smiles at me and says “Welcome back Ruby. I hope that you are feeling better now.”

“Thank you” says I politely.

I am thinking about all the things that it’s really weird. Why I cannot remember anything at the moment. Rudy finally takes my hand again and says to everybody

“Ruby is tired. We shall go home first and discuss everything later.”

Everyone finally agrees and we finally walk away from the airport. I chose to ride Rudy’s car along with his driver and also my mother who sits beside me. I don’t know why but I don’t want to let go of Rudy’s hand at this time. I am scared to be around strangers who know me well but on the other hand, I don’t know any of them. I can’t differentiate which of them who really were close to me before. For the first time, I am really scared.

“Kevin, where are you now? I miss you so much…”

Part 4: A New Home

I have been staying in my new house for several days now. We live out of town around 4 hours from Jakarta airport. Rudy has been staying with me for all this time. To be honest, I don’t like living in this house at all. So many observant, so many commentators, and even my big family saw me weirdly. I found out that I in fact have a big family with more than 16 Uncles and Aunts and plenty of cousins and nephews. Many of my Aunts have visited me for the past few days. One of them, you can tell that she hates me a lot. I don’t need my memory back to reconfirm this fact. Just by the way she looked at me, talked to me and “interrogated” my mother, I can know for a fact that she is my “evil” Aunt. On the other hand, I realize that I have one good hearted Aunt who donated many of her fortune for unfortunate children. She even took me yesterday to visit an orphan. For the first time in a week, I can be myself when playing with those children.

Fortunately, Rudy knows my family very well. He has told me who really care for me and who have faked all along and see me as a weird insect. During the past few days, I have been getting many more visions about Rudy. He came to my room at one night and my vision shown me that we kissed before inside this same room.

Out of the sudden, there’s a knock on my door and I am telling who ever the person is to come in. It turns out that it was my “fierce” friend from the airport named Amy. She came along with Rudy.

I am sitting on my bed and they sit together on my couch. She finally says

“I have decided to tell you every detail I know about you. This includes your love life with the three men I know. They are Anthony, Rudy and my cousin Christian. I don’t care whether Rudy will hate me because of this. Please listen because I find this important.”

She starts to tell the story of how I had a best friend named Anthony. She also spills every single detail about how I met Rudy, how we got together, how we broke up before and how miserable I was when I thought that he got a girl pregnant before. Then, she told me about Christian and how I fell for him during my trip to Sydney. She also pointed out that I never have any love history with Kevin before. At the end, she told me how I was devastated when apparently my husband Anthony died on our wedding day. Suddenly, I stop her

“That part, I knew. I had a dream about how it happened. I saw the wedding in my dream. Did I love him so much?”

“Yes you did and I think that you still do and you will always do. I know that it’s not fair for me to say this but you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you still figure out your true feelings with Anthony and you really sure that you have gotten over him. You don’t remember anything about him now but I bet with my own life that you would regret to make any decision without remembering him first.”

Amy sounded very serious when she mentioned about Anthony. Perhaps, there’s something into it than meets the eye. She continues to give her advice.

“Rub, you should have waited in the first place. You shouldn’t be together with Kevin. I was shocked when I heard that you two were engaged. Later on, I found out from Rudy that Kevin has deceived you for the past two years and finally I can understand why. Kev never told you about your true past. Didn’t you see? He tried to make you as his puppet.”

My tears begin to fall down and Rudy suddenly speaks

“I don’t think Kev tried to make Cing a puppet. That’s a strong accusation. Don’t forget that he had stayed at her side, day and night for a year after Anthony’s dead. He has loved her all along even when she was with Roy. It’s just when Cing lost her memory, it drove him to make a decision to finally act. He didn’t longer feel the competition. My guess is at the time, he finally realized how much he loves her. Amy, I truly believe that everything he did was due to love not out of love.”

Finally, I can open my mouth and say

“Amy, my brain is maybe empty with memories but my heart is not blind. I know about sincerity and love. I appreciate you for telling me all of this. To be honest, I couldn’t feel the pain when you talked about when Rudy left me or when Anthony died before. I just couldn’t. All I can feel at the moment is that Kevin is the person I love and miss right now. Please give me some time to digest everything.”

Amy tries to talk back but Rudy makes a gesture to stop her from saying anything more.

We all spend the rest of the day by having dinner with the rest of the family. I don’t know how I can be friends with Amy before since I never had any girl friend for the past two years. After dinner, I invite Amy to sleep in my room. I want to know about our friendship. Perhaps, she can also fill me in about other important details.

We talked for hours last night and nothing was new except that I got to know about the friendship I had with her, Karen and the guy named Matthew. The other thing that stroked me last night was about Lily (Kevin’s ex girlfriend). Amy said that Lily was staying a few days with her. She mentioned that Lily hated me so much for what Kevin did to her. She thought that I was the cause of their break up. One of the extreme incident was she did torn up all of my photographs in Amy’s apartment. Thus, Amy cannot bring them now to remind me about our friendship. Nevertheless, after hearing Amy’s explanation, I can’t really blame her for what she did. I may also be furious if I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a year and all I got is from him that he already fell for somebody else and dumped me as soon as I arrive. I couldn’t believe that Kev could treat a girl this cruel.

Amy went back in the morning since she has to go back to Jakarta to work. She even offered me to come back working at her company and apparently to work under the boss who used to adore me very much. I want to come back to work since I also have nothing to do at home. However, when we brought out the topic to Rudy, he disagrees right away. He said that he wants me to come and work with him instead.

Afterwards, Rudy is asking me to accompany him to go somewhere. He says that it’s an important place for me in the past. On the way, he is asking me the subject I’ve been avoided to remember.

“Have you been in touched with Kevin lately?”

I am looking at Rudy and shaking my head bitterly.

“I have sent him many texts but he has switched off his mobile. The last thing I know is he told me that he wanted to go back to Sydney.”

“Are you okay? I know you must have missed him a lot. Do you want me to check? I can ask somebody to track where he is.”

I am glancing at the guy beside me and fully understand why I used to fell for him before. He’s sincere in so many ways. I know that he still loves me but he’s still willing to help me find Kevin.

We finally arrive at a beautiful hill which looks like a nice holiday spot for family. It has a lake. The weather is lovely. It’s very unlike Surabaya which tends to be hot during day and night. I am walking towards the lake to play with the water. It’s so cold.

Out of the sudden, I am having so many visions after touching the water. All the visions are glancing at the same time. The vision when I was a child playing with an older boy, the vision when a guy and I kissed each other which looks like after a marriage proposal. I am sitting on the grass and suddenly remember that this is the place I’ve been dreaming all along. I know that the little boy and the handsome guy must be Anthony. I am having more visions about lying on the same grass at night looking at the stars with him. I remember the fireworks and how warm we used to hug each other. Amy is right. Anthony is really important to me.

I am taking Rudy’s hand and say

“Please… help me to remember about Anthony. Bring me to the place I used to have all memory with him. I want to remember him.”

We are planning to leave the place since the clouds become grayer. The grass is a bit slippery and hence Rudy is holding my hands to walk with me. I am seeing a big tree on the top of the hill. It captures me and draws me to go there.

“Can we make a stop and sit near the tree first?” I ask Rudy.

“Sure.” He replies

We are walking towards the tree and it’s very hard for me to hike since the grass is slippery. Suddenly, my ankle slips and I am falling down, rolling on the grass. I feel like Rudy is shouting, hugging, and rolling along with me until we finally stop. I feel so dizzy. Rudy is on top of me and says

“Are you okay? What do you feel? Please tell me. Are you hurt?”

I am looking deeply into his eyes and having another vision similar to this. I remember that the exact same thing happened to us only that we kissed back then. Rudy’s face is getting closer to me and I am seeing so many visions or maybe flash backs about the two of us. Finally, I dare myself to ask the most awkward request to anyone. I ask him to kiss me and hope that I could remember some more.

“Rud, kiss me.”

His eyes look deeper into mine. I am closing my eyes and feel that his mouth is touching mine. I don’t response back to his kiss but I only hope that I can get more visions about our past. However, none have come so far. It doesn’t work. I try to push him away but he continues to kiss me passionately. I still don’t response to his kisses but he doesn’t understand my cold reaction. I know that it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have asked him to kiss me. He kisses me even more and more passionately. Maybe, he’ll stop when I response. I begin to move my mouth and kiss him back. I can feel that he is smiling. He’s overjoyed and perhaps misunderstood that I also enjoy the kiss.

Out of the sudden, I have many flash backs about us including our dates, our kisses in the past, the night we danced, even I see that he’s kneeling down to propose to me. Did I say yes? Apparently I did. Oh my God…. Is he the one who I truly love all this time? Not Kev? But my feeling for Kevin is real. I still love him and we shouldn’t even kiss in the first place.

I am turning my face to the right and hope that he understands that we need to stop. He asks

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. It’s not you. It’s me. I shouldn’t ask you to kiss me. I am sorry.”

“I am not.” He replies immediately and continues to say

“I am not sorry at all. I have been wanted to kiss you like this for a long time. Cing, I love you.”

We are sitting down for a while and I finally dare myself to ask him

“Rud, did I love you before? How much?”

“I don’t know how much you love me but perhaps, more than you love your own life.”

“Why did you or do you think that way?” asked me.

Rudy is answering me by telling the story of the triangle love between him, Anna and myself. He is letting me know how I sacrificed my own happiness and even my own dignity for the two of them. He told me that he was being coward at that time. He shouldn’t have asked me to deal with Anna. He was in a “shock” stage where he tried to deny everything. He is sorry that he should have dealt with everything along. We continue to leave the hill and drive home after some times.

At night, Rudy is asking my parent’s permission to bring me to Jakarta. He said that he wants to bring me to live at my old apartment. He also has promised to me that he will take me to my new house with Anthony. It turns out that I used to live there with Kev for a year.

After a long debate, my father finally agrees to let me go. After we have finished our dinner, my mother is asking me to wait in my room. She says that there is someone who wants to talk to me. I am sitting on my bed, opening my old photograph album. Most of my photo album is filled with Rudy and Anthony. I wonder why I never took any of Kevin’s pictures in the past. Suddenly, my phone is ringing and it reads as private number.

Me                         : Hallo

Caller                    : Hi, is this Ruby?

Me                         : Yes. May I know who’s speaking?

Caller                    : This is Lily. Do you know who I am?

I am thinking hard whether this is Lily who everyone said was Kevin’s girlfriend in the past. However, I don’t want to guess it wrong.

Me                         : Can you please tell some more about yourself?

Caller                    : I am Kevin’s friend. I need to talk to you in person and please don’t tell anyone about meeting me. I don’t want anyone to know that I am in Jakarta.

Me                         : Ok. You can just text me the time and place. I will be there. Is Kevin’s alright? Where is he now?

The phone is now longer connected. After a while, she sends me a text and ask me to meet her one week later on Sunday at Shangrilla hotel, Jakarta. I will ask Amy how to get there later when I reach my apartment tomorrow.

Somebody is knocking on my door and I ask the person to come in. It turns out that it is Anthony’s mother.

I greet her and say “Aunty, please come in. I am sorry that I don’t know it was you. I would have changed my pajama. It’s not polite to see you like this. Please sit down Aunty. Can I get you something to drink? Do you want to have a hot chocolate?”

She is shaking her head, smiling and says

“I used to see you in your pajamas all the time. You don’t have to address me so formally. You used to call me mom even before you got married with Anthony. Perhaps you don’t remember but we were very close since you were little. When your mother got angry with you, I was the one who always defend you. She always says that I have spoilt you too much. You have grown into a beautiful woman now. I can’t believe how the days can go by too quickly.”

I am taking both of her hands. Suddenly, I can feel her pain. She has lost her son and now even though I am already here, I can act like her daughter. It must have been very painful for her.

“Ma, do you blame me for Anthony’s dead? Did he die because of me? No one told me how he died. Can you please tell me the truth?”

She replies back at me “No, of course not! He didn’t die because of you but due to illness from his accident. You were all the reasons for him to live. How can you think that you made him die?

“I don’t know. I just think that I don’t bring luck to anyone. I broke many men’s heart, I made my parents sad, I made you lost your son, now I am even hurting the man I love. I don’t care whether he tricked me in the first place. Ma, you must have thought that I have betrayed or even cheated on Anthony. I am really sorry but I didn’t know about Anthony two years ago. I really thought that Kevin was the only person I knew in my life. I thought I was an orphan.”

Anthony’s mother hugs me from the side and puts my head on against her chest. She says

“Don’t worry my daughter. I know who you really are. I have known you since you were born. I know your heart. You won’t even hurt a fly. Do you know why you broke many men’s heart?”

I am shaking head. She continues to caress my hair and says

“It’s because they have broken yours first. However, I am just afraid that you will get hurt again now. You can easily have a crush on somebody. Ma also knows that you can easily get touched when a man is being nice to you, especially if he sacrifices something for you. Sometimes, you don’t even know who you truly love, who can bring you the happiness you deserve. But, Ma can only say this to you that no matter you choose to end up with in the future, I can only hope that he can love you as much as Anthony loves you. This is Anthony’s diary and death will. Ma took it from his house earlier. It’s left on your bed when you left the house for the last time. Anthony has left you with everything including the house, the car, all of his stocks and also his money. They are all in this envelope.”

I am giving back the envelope to Ma and say

“Ma, I will take the diary. But, I want you to have everything else. I don’t deserve to have all of this. You can use it for all your needs instead.”

Ma says “You probably don’t understand but Anthony would be really angry with me if I took it from you. You are the only person he loves in this world. I maybe his mother but you are his other half.”

I am asking Ma the question I’ve been wanted to ask her since the first time I saw her.

“Ma, did I love Anthony so much?”

She answers “Yes, with all of your heart.”

Ma is then leaving me alone in the room and I begin to open his diary. I read one by one until it finally finishes. I couldn’t believe that someone can love me this much. The one page that strikes me the most is when he wrote on my sweet 17th birthday.

August 29, 2002

Dear Ruby,

Today, you are celebrating your 17th birthday. I can only drop my tears because you choose to spend it with Roy. I know that I should be happy for the two of you but why I always feel that he’s not worth of your love. Maybe, no one can ever fit in my eyes when it comes to be your boyfriend.

You never knew that since a long time ago, I have fallen in love with you the night we spent on the star hill. Back then, I asked you what your third birthday wish was. You said that you want to meet your prince charming in the future. Deep down inside, I always want to be your prince charming. Sadly, you have only seen me as your brother.

If I can cut my life for 20 years, I am willing to replace them for your happiness. I sincerely hope that you can meet your prince charming in the future, the one who loves you at any cost.

Ruby, happy birthday my love…. I hope that someday you will realize that your prince has always been by your side all this time Maybe, I am too easy to overlook.



Even though I don’t know Anthony now, I can feel his love for me. God, why did you arrange me to have the accident? I never understand Your plan but I do hope that I won’t hurt anyone in the future.

Part 5: A New Friendship

We are going to my apartment in Jakarta around lunch time. On the way to Jakarta, I think I need to explain what happened with us during our kiss yesterday. I don’t want him to misunderstand.

“Rud, I want to explain something about the kiss yesterday. I am sorry. I asked you to do it for a wrong purpose. I know that it’s outrageous for me to even ask you in the first place. I am so sorry but I couldn’t understand why my visions only show when you are beside me. I can’t get any hints even around my family. It’s only you who can bring back my memory. I am truly sorry.”

He smiles, touches my right hand and says

“I know… I know by the way your lips touch mine in the first place. You didn’t respond at all. I thought that I caught you in a moment but it turned out that I was wrong. I know what your heart feels at the moment. You still love Kevin so much, am I right?”

I am looking at him one again and couldn’t believe that this kind of guy even exists. I reply to him

“Thank you for understanding. You don’t need to stay beside me all the time now. I can take care of myself. I am not as alone as I was back in Surabaya. I can call my parents all the time; I can call my friends to go out with me. You can do anything you want.”

Rudy replies what I have said earlier without even looking back at me. He says

“You don’t understand. There is no anything I want except to stay beside you all the time.”

He continues to smiles along the way. I finally cannot stop myself to ask him

“Why are you so happy when I told you about the kiss?”

He replies “I am smiling because you said that your vision only shown when I am around you. It proves that I am the most important person in your heart before you lost your memory.”

I am smiling back at him and wonder whether what he said was true.

We are finally arriving at my apartment. It’s very girly and I truly believe that I used to live in this place. All the décor and color were so me. This is exactly how I would decorate my own house. This time, Christian has already waited for me in the apartment by sitting on the couch.

Afterwards, he requested Rudy to give me some time alone with him. Rudy hesitates for a while and looks at me. I am smiling to him and giving him a sign to say that it’s okay. Rudy is leaving the apartment to buy some groceries.

“How are you Rub? Are you feeling well? Have you remembered anything?” asks Christian

“I am well. I have remembered some things related to Rudy and Anthony. However, other than that, it’s really hard for me to remember anything else, not even a remotely field.” answers me

“Not even your parents?” Christian asks again.

“Yes, not even them. I don’t know but I found them quite strange. I don’t know how to explain it to you. It’s just…………”

Before I can continue my explanation, he cuts me off by saying

“I can totally relate to you. I am not very close with both my parents also. Even when mother died, I didn’t feel the pain as much as when you we broke up earlier. You don’t have to explain to me. Sometimes, family can become stranger and friends can become family because they are always there when we need them.”

I am smiling at Christian. I am not quite sure whether I was close with family before but I have to say that Christian is right. Kevin and Rudy was more like my family rather than my mom and dad.

“Have you been told about our story? Do you want to know?” asks Christian suddenly

“No… Please do tell. I want to know for sure.” I reply to Christian.

“We met when you tried to escape from Rudy in Sydney. You were staying in my house. At first, I thought you were just like any other girls who like fortune, branded bags and clothes more than friendship. However, with the time went by, you have proven me wrong. You valued me not because I am the rich second generation from the Wong’s family. You are kind to me because I am Christian. You were even willing to work during the night shift to buy my birthday present. When you lived in Sydney with me, Kevin was our roommate and our best friend. He helped us a lot to be with each other at the time. We finally were able to admit each other’s feeling on the last day you are leaving Sydney. However, when Anthony got an accident, you chose to leave me out of guilt even though you still love me. Do you know why the accident happened?”

I am shaking my head again and wait for him to answer

“It’s because you chose to tell him that we were together. Anthony couldn’t accept the fact that we were together. Thus, he was speeding and got the accident.”

Now, I finally know why Rudy, Kevin or anyone never told me about this. I was the cause of Anthony’s death. He was ill because of the accident and it happened because of me. Christian continues to speak

“Rub, are you okay? You look pale.”

I am shaking my head and say “No, I am okay! Please continue to tell our story.”

“After that, nothing much to go on really…. I haven’t able to give up chasing you but I couldn’t since I hurt you badly during our break up. I said something I shouldn’t say to the woman I love, I did some things which you couldn’t forgive at the time. I am truly sorry. I wish that I could turn back time.”

I am looking at Christian and find this “weird” expression. He doesn’t look like a person who loves me. I could see the “love” expression in both Kevin and Rudy but I just couldn’t notice from his face.

“May I know whether you still love me right now? I need to know where you are at the moment.”

He is looking at me deeply and says

“I don’t know. I mean I sure love you and you are still one of the most important women in my love. But, we have been apart for so long. I am not sure.”

I am smiling and finally ask him

“I am one of the most important? May I know who the other woman is?”

Christian is smiling back at me and says

“You are still so smart Rub. Lately, I have been feeling something else with Cindy, my late mother’s secretary who is now my secretary. You used to like her too.”

I am offering him a glass of water and ask him again

“So, why the two of you aren’t together yet?”

“I am still confused. I don’t know whether someone could love two people at the same time. My heart has only filled with you since you were gone. I have been looking for you everywhere. I missed you like crazy, I…….”

I am touching Christian’s hand and says

“But now that I am here, you do not longer possess this feeling towards me. Am I right? You saw me differently. You thought that you would even love me when meeting me few days ago back at the airport. It turns out that you miss Cindy more when she was not by your side, even when travelling for few days for business trip. Now that I am sitting beside you, you don’t feel the butterfly in your stomach. You only see me as a friend or someone who is important for you.”

“How do you know that?” says Christian

“I might have lost my memory but I am still a girl. And, you are probably right by calling me a smart girl.” says I while laughing together with Christian.

“Chris, it’s simple. You used to love me but as time went by, you have fallen in love with Cindy slowly. It’s okay for you to feel that way. You deserve to be happy. Also, I have to let you know that I am such in a bad shape right now. I know that I love Kevin so much but I couldn’t just ignore Rudy’s position in my heart. He’s the only one who can give me visions. Also, I may not feel a thing about Anthony but by looking at his diary and from gathering everyone’s information, it seems that we used to love each other very much. He might be the last person I love before I lost my memory. So, I really don’t need one more guy to complicate the situation even more. I want to have a friend that I can trust, a person who can give me good neutral advices. I really hope that it would be you.”

Christian is laughing and he finally says

“I am not sure that I can stay as your neutral friends. After all, you were my first love. No one is good enough maybe perhaps beside Anthony to be your lover. I am not sure whether I even like my brother. He’s so cold to everyone around him. He’s a close book. I never know what’s on his mind.”

I am smudging my face and ask “Your brother? Who? Is Kevin your brother?”

He is looking at me seriously and says “No, it’s Rudy. Didn’t you know? Rudy is my brother.”

Christian then continues to tell me his family story. It seems that his family situation is very complicated. Nevertheless, I am glad of the new friendship I have with Christian. At least, one guy who used to love me is happy right now.

Christian is touching my hand and asks

“Rub, Kev called me few days ago. He sounded awful. He has told me all the things that happened with you and him for the past two years. He has apologized to me for hiding you all along. After hearing his explanation, I really feel bad for the guy. However, he didn’t explain why he chose not to come along with you to Jakarta. Is it because of Rudy? What happened with you two?”

My tears start to fall down again even though they are only two to three drops away. I speak

“It’s a long story. Bottom line, we have hurt each other’s feelings badly.”

Christian finally says “I don’t know what happened but you have to know that he has sacrificed everything to take care of you. He has nothing left now.”

Finally, Rudy has come back from his grocery shopping and stops Christian to say anything more about Kevin. Christian is standing up and planning to leave but Rudy asks him to sit down again.

Rudy says “Chris, I want to ask your permission. I want Cing to come back working for us. She can stay as my assistant for a month and come back to fill her old position as the HR Vice President. What do you think?”

Christian replies him by saying “Ok! I have no problem with that. It’s just we have to alert the managers first and let them know about Ruby’s situation. That way, they won’t get confuse.”

“I am thinking differently though.” Says Rudy

“What do you mean?”

Rudy finally explains his plan to Christian.

“I am planning to brief Cing everything and everyone in our company. No one shall know beside you, Cindy, I and June or May about her condition. I don’t want anyone to take any advantages because she has lost her memory. Don’t worry. I will prepare her during these few days. She will come back to work on Monday fully briefed.”

Christian is nodding his head without even arguing anything. Finally he says to Rudy

“Do you know that this is the longest thoughts you have spoken to me for the past few years? Is it so hard to speak to me besides talking about Ruby? I am your brother after all”

Rudy doesn’t even smile back at Christian. He doesn’t look at him as his friend, let along his brother. He’s back to the cold Rudy I knew when he interacted with his co workers back in Surabaya.

I finally speak out for Christian to Rudy.

“Rud, maybe all of us can become good friends. Why don’t we go out for dinner tomorrow? He can bring June along. The four of us can have a good time.”

Rudy smiles back at me and he says

“Cing, I already made plans with you tomorrow, maybe perhaps another time.”

I know that he’s just being polite to reject Christian’s offer. Suddenly, Rudy opens his mouth and speak again while Christian is walking out towards the apartment.

“Chris, I will come back to work at the office together with Ruby on Monday.”

It’s not even how a person should address permission but what he said earlier was more on a declaration of “for your information”. Rudy is Rudy. He is very cold to others and I wonder why. He is like a snow volcano mountain.

Rudy spends the next few days by informing me all about Wong’s Corporation in Jakarta. I have known about their history during my orientation back in Surabaya. He even brought me some photographs of all the employees at Wong. He asked me to memorize them all including their name, title and job descriptions. He even pointed out who have I hired personally.

Christian comes by every day. Sometimes, he drops by during breakfast or during lunch time. He never brings along his “Cindy”. This morning, he came along with his sister June.

She looks a lot more like Rudy. She also speaks when absolutely needed. I can finally see the resemblance between the three siblings. Christian shows me another picture of his sister named May. Apparently, he told me that May’s character is more like him. But, her “bossy” attitude is inherited by her mother. Apparently, her mother has given me a princess lesson during the past. Christian told me a few of them and it gets me to laugh so hard. I am also excited to hear many stories at the office about May. I really intrigue to meet her in the future.

Today is Saturday and I remember that I promise to meet with Lily tomorrow. I haven’t asked Amy about where Shangrilla Hotel is. It’s very odd that she asked to meet in the parking lot, not inside the café or even the room. I am calling Amy to find out about the hotel location. She offers to take me there but I lied to her that I want to buy a birthday cake for Rudy. Rudy’s birthday is in fact on September. I knew it from the back of our photograph before in my hometown. Now is only July but I couldn’t think of any other lie to meet Lily tomorrow. It turns out that the hotel is very near to my apartment and all I need is to catch a taxi to get there. Now, what I need is to find an excuse to leave the apartment alone from Rudy.

We are having dinner together at the apartment. I asked him why he hasn’t brought me back to my house with Anthony. He said that I need to be prepared for the office matters first. It’s very crucial that no one knows about my memory lost. I wonder why he desperately needs me to go back to the office on Monday. He hasn’t said anything all along and I choose to trust him instead.

Before I am asking Rudy for his permission tomorrow, I want to ask him about why he behaved coldly to Christian all this time.

“Rud, can you tell me why are you being cold in front of Christian and your sister? I don’t understand. I thought you wanted to have a family. You said to me when you were unconscious before that you didn’t want to be alone. They are nice people. Who don’t you get yourself close to them? I can see that Christian has tried very hard to please you.”

He replies me back by saying

“Cing, you only have known them for the past weeks. How can you know that they are good people? Don’t be too easy to trust a person. A person’s heart is deeper than any ocean. You never know when they can backstab you in the future. Cing, trust no one accepts me. You can’t put your trust 100% even though to your parents. The only person who is worth to trust completely is only Anthony and unfortunately, he’s no longer beside you. Everyone will act for their own benefit. No one can love a person unconditionally.”

I know that Rudy must have undergone a lot of bad things to make him what he is today. Suddenly, I am feeling bad for the guy. I hope that whatever our relationship will turn out in the future, I can still be someone who can he trust completely. I don’t want him to feel alone. My phone beeps and Rudy asks me who the message from. I lied to him and said that it’s from Amy. It turns out that it’s from Lily which reads

“Bring no one with you. I want to talk to you personally.”

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